Chapter Twenty Six: Me and My Maggie Pie

 ****Jeff****

Several days after the incident, I had to beg Mom and Bridge to leave. They had hovered over me and while I understood their concern, I just wanted to try to move past what happened; something that seemed impossible while they were there. It felt like one of them was waiting around every corner of the house, watching and waiting for any sign that I would lose it or break down. What I needed was time alone and to get that, they had to leave. I had pretended to be better that I was in hopes that they would decide to leave, and finally after three days, the day of their departure had arrived. But as they were packing their belongings in the car, Mom was fretting over me again.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay?” Mom wondered. “I’m worried about you.” She placed a hand on my arm and furrowed her brow with worry.

“I’m fine, Mom. It’s okay.” I lied; hoping that she wasn’t aware that I was.

“You’ll call if you need something?” She asked and I nodded.

“Plus, Star and Peter are here. . .” I added and she seemed to be happy with that information.

“That goes for me, too. If you need anything Jeff, you can call me too.” Bridge offered and I nodded as I looked at the ground. It had been bad enough that Mom had been there when everything had happened, but Bridge. . .That caused me to feel even more ashamed than almost anything. I had always looked up to her and wanted to make her proud. What I had allowed to happen days ago and what had led up to it was something that I didn’t know if I would ever stop feeling ashamed about.

“You two should get going.” I suggested as I looked back up at them. They both had an unsure expression and I knew that the only way that they were going to leave was for me to act like I was okay. “I’m fine. Really.  I’m still sore and still in shock a little, but I’m okay.” They both reluctantly nodded.

“You promise? You’ll call if you need anything?” She begged as we hugged.

“Yes. I promise.” She pulled away and touched my cheek before moving to the side so Bridge and I could say goodbye.

“Don’t think you’re fooling me.” She whispered in my ear as we hugged. “Please, Jeff, don’t try to hold this in. . .you need to eventually talk to someone about this.” She tried to convince me and I once again found myself lying.

“I know. I will eventually.” She looked at me and I could tell that she didn’t believe me but she squeezed my hand and nodded. They slowly got into the car and waved as the car inched its way down the street. I unenthusiastically waved after them and once the car was out of sight, I walked up the stairs and quietly stepped into the house.  When we had gone outside to say goodbye, no one had been downstairs so I was surprised when I turned around and saw Star in the kitchen.  

I knew that I couldn’t walk past her without saying something but I was really at a loss for what to say. There had been an uncomfortable silence between all of us, including Mom and Bridge in the days that followed the incident. I guessed we all had our reasons, mine from feeling ashamed, shocked, remorseful, and regretful. I looked down at the floor as I walked closer to the kitchen, slowly looking up at her as I reached the counter.

She was looking down and didn’t even glance up as I stood there. I stared at her for a moment, thinking of all the things that I wanted to say, but didn’t know how. How did you tell someone that you were sorry that your wife had pointed a gun in their face? Or apologize that they had actually pulled the trigger and intended to kill you? That you knew it was your fault because however many years ago you didn’t listen to them or others about what could possibly happen. How could she ever forgive me for that? How could anyone that had been there that day forgive me?

I closed my eyes as all of those feelings began to overpower me and all I wanted to do was to hide away since I was sure no one wanted to see or talk to me anyway. Not after what had happened. I quietly started to make my way to the bedroom, trying to rid Star of my presence.

“Did you finally convince them to leave?” She asked and I slowly turned back around.

****Star****

He turned around and as I looked up at his face I saw the stitches in his jaw and just like any other time I had seen it, it felt like someone took their hand and squeezed and twisted my heart at the same time. He was forever going to have a scar there, a pretty bad one, and it was all because of me; because he felt the need to put his life in danger to save mine. I had no idea how I was ever going to look at his face again and not feel like I was to blame for that scar. I knew Rosamund was the one who had shot the gun, but if she hadn’t felt such hatred towards me or felt so threatened by me, she wouldn’t have done what she had; she wouldn’t have tried to kill me and Jeff wouldn’t have had to try to save my life. 

He nodded and sighed. “It took a little convincing, but they finally left.” He admitted.

I nodded and grabbed the mug of coffee I had come downstairs to get and started to walk towards the stairs. “Star. . .” He quietly called after me. I stopped walking just before the stairs and held my breath as he walked up behind me. He was standing so close to me that I could hear him breathing and I closed my eyes, wishing that we could all move past this; but it didn’t seem that there was any way that was going to happen, at least not for a long time. His hand barely touched my shoulder and I flinched as his hand made contact. I had been jumpy ever since that day and the slightest noise or touch would cause me to cringe, sometimes even scream. His fist clenched and he slowly pulled it back. 

“I’m sorry. . .” As soon as he whispered it, Maggie’s cries traveled through the monitor and Jeff sighed before walking to his bedroom and closing the door behind him. I let out the breath that I had been holding in and sat down on the steps, placing my cup of coffee on the floor before the tears started falling down my cheeks. I had thought that the pain I had felt the days following Peter and me breaking up was bad, but it was nothing compared to what I was feeling at that moment. I placed my arms around my waist and bent forward as I began to cry harder; finally giving in to the overwhelming despair that I had felt since that morning.

****Peter****

I had started to walk downstairs when I heard Jeff walk inside. I had frozen at the top of the second story stairs hoping that I would avoid seeing him. That seemed to be what all of us were doing, avoiding each other, each of us being reminded of that day whenever we saw each other.

I didn’t know about them, but I had played that day over and over in my mind. It had started off as a stressful day just from what had happened with Jeff and Rosamund arguing earlier that morning, but there had almost seemed to be a. . .resolution, a closer to things. Most things had been aired and even though they were shocking and painful for Jeff to hear, there was almost a sense that things could finally start to get better for him now that he and the rest of us knew how Rosamund really was. I had remembered going for a run after Star and I had straightened up the house and as the sun shined down, I started to feel confident that between Jeff’s family, Star, and I that even though it was going to be hard for Jeff to move past all of this, we could all help him and eventually he would be okay. Not that he could go back to the old Jeff, the one before he and Rosamund got together, but at least to the point that he could move on with his life.

I had come back after my run and as usual, I went to the front door to stretch a little before entering the house. What I had heard as I stood there had made my heart race. I heard Rosamund yelling and I rushed to the front windows to peek inside. I saw Rosamund pointing a gun at Star and Jeff and Amanda and Bridge frozen where they were standing.

I ran as fast as my feet would run to the back of the house and in the back door. As my hand reached for the knob, I heard Rosamund  yell ‘Does he love me? NO!!!! HE LOVES YOU!!!!’ I flung the door open figuring that if I diverted her attention at least that would give Jeff or someone the chance to get the gun away from her. My heart sank though as she didn’t even look in my direction and heard the shot from the gun. I screamed as I ran over to her and knocked her to the ground, causing her to let go of the gun.  As I pinned her down to the ground, I had looked over at Star and was thankful that she appeared to be okay, but when I had seen Jeff sit up, I noticed his face and it hit me; like me, he had tried to save her. I watched as she reached up and touched his face, concerned for him and then I had seen the way he looked at her. . .he had always been the master at hiding and masking his feelings, but at that moment, there was no denying how he was looking at her. That was when I started to feel angry; anger that if he had just manned up to his feelings however long ago, this wouldn’t be happening. Rosamund wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to shoot a gun at Star and maybe I would have been saved the heartache of seeing them moments after the shooting, reassuring each other.

Every time I thought back to that moment, my heart would break all over again. And as I watched this moment unfold from the railing, I could feel it happening all over again. I watched as he called after her and the two of them stand inches from each other and I realized that I was holding my breath as I waited to see what would happen. When he was forced to leave to go check on Maggie, I was more than a little relieved but I also felt awful for spying on them and had started to walk back to my room when I heard her start to cry and I knew that there was no way that I could just leave her sitting like that alone.

I walked down the stairs and as I came up behind her, I placed a hand on her shoulders and she curled into a ball and screamed louder than I had ever heard anyone scream. 

“Star, it’s okay. It’s just me.” I tried to reassure her. She cried even harder and continued to keep her body in a protective ball. 

I wanted so badly to hold her, to hug her, to let her know that she was okay, but I wasn’t sure if it would do any good. She seemed so fearful and jumpy that any touch from anyone seemed to make it worse. She continued to cry harder and I couldn’t take it anymore. I gently reached down and as I sat down on the floor, I pulled her into my lap and cradled her. I heard Jeff’s door open him walk over to us. I didn’t even bother to look up as he stood next to me.

“Is she okay?” He worried and if I hadn’t been holding Star, I would have decked him. He should know she wasn’t and that he was the reason.

“Is she okay? Does she look and sound okay?” I asked through clenched teeth.

“Is there anything I can do?”

I looked up and glared at him. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” I finally glared at him and watched as he took a deep breath in and looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry. . .” He apologized and went quietly back into his room. As far as I was concerned he could apologize until the cows came home, it wouldn’t have mattered.  He was the reason we were all in this mess. I continued to hold Star and rock her as she and eventually she fell asleep in my arms.  

I carefully stood up and carried her back to her room to lay her on her bed. As she slept I looked down at her and brushed a strand of hair away from her face wishing that I could take away the pain she was feeling; but I wasn’t the one that she would want to do that.

****Jeff****

Three days after Mom and Bridge left, I had agreed to sit down with Robert and Regina. Robert had called me wanting to talk about Rosamund, Maggie, and the divorce, but had asked that neither of us include lawyers. I was willing to listen to what he and Regina had to say, but there were certain requests that I was not willing to entertain; one being that Rosamund have any visitation rights.

We had agreed to meet at the house and I had to then ask Star and Peter if they would mind not being there. It was easier to ask Star, but Peter. . .ever since the day that I had seen him sitting with Star at the bottom of the stairs, he had been even more distant and even angry with me. I couldn’t blame him. I knew I was to blame for what happened, and I was sure he blamed me for putting Star’s life in danger.  When I had finally gotten him alone, he had just nodded and glared at me before he walked away.

I had decided that the dining table would be the best place for our meeting and after Star and Peter left, I got the items I would need and placed them on the table. Ever since the day of the incident, I had kept Maggie close and today was no different. I grabbed her bassinet and moved it next to the table and then placed Maggie in it. She had just eaten and was napping which gave me the opportunity to look back over my things.  I didn’t know what Robert had planned, but I wanted to be ready for anything. I even had a tape recorder out so I could record our conversation. 

The doorbell rang and I took a big breath, holding it for several seconds before letting it out hoping it would calm down my nerves. It didn’t seem to help much and as I sighed I looked over at Maggie. That was all I needed; to be reminded that she was the most important thing and that no matter what, I needed to protect her. I walked over to the door and looked out the peep hole to make sure it was them, something that all of us had started doing since the incident. After unlocking the door, I opened it and was slightly taken aback by what I saw.  Robert and Regina both looked exhausted and crushed. I hated to admit that in the wake of everything that had happened, I hadn’t even thought about how they would feel. She was their daughter, after all, and any thought to how what she had done would affect them was the furthest thing from my mind. 

I motioned for them to come in and we made our way to the table. They each looked over at Maggie in the bassinet and sadly smiled before we sat down. We sat there in silence for what felt like forever, none of us wanting to start what I was sure was going to be a painful and emotional conversation, but eventually I looked at the tape recorder and then over at them.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to record our conversation. . .I think that’s for both of our benefit.” I suggested and Robert and Regina nodded in agreement.

“Have you heard much about what’s happening with her?” Regina finally asked.

I shook my head. “Only that she was moved from the jail to a facility to better monitor her. They said she was on suicide watch.”

They both nodded and Robert spoke up. “They are diagnosing her so far with severe postpartum psychosis. They also believe that she is suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or paranoid personality disorder . They also believe that after giving birth, that the psychosis pushed both of those conditions to the brink and that along with her abusing her pain medication. . .” He sighed and looked down at the table. “I just. . .I don’t understand. . .there’s no history of mental illness in our family. . .I just keep thinking that if we had been here, maybe we could have helped her.”

I blankly looked at them for a moment and thought about what he said but honestly didn’t think anyone could have stopped her. “You may think that, but I don’t think anything would have stopped her. She was delusional about what was happening around her. I wish I had seen it before, but I didn’t.”

They both nodded and Robert sighed before continuing. “Based on what the doctors are telling us, we’re going to plead insanity at her trial.” Part of me wasn’t surprised; having studied law, I knew that that was probably their best option. But I instantly realized that once they pleaded that, if she was found not guilty by reason of insanity, she would lose any ability to see Maggie. I looked up at Robert and he again nodded and I saw tears start to fall from his eyes.

They both took a moment to regain their composure and then Robert reached into his bag and pulled out a pad of paper and pen. “Regina and I have talked about what we think is best for everyone and I’ve tried to talk to Rosamund. . .I’ve gotten some answers from her, but. . .well…I think you’ll understand the plea once we start discussing things.”

He folded back the paper and revealed a page with notes on it. “First of all, we were hoping that you would agree that it’s fair that you keep the money that you brought into the marriage and that you don’t have any claim to the money Rosamund did.”

I nodded. “I don’t want Rosamund’s money.” Was all I could say. I knew it was something that needed to be discussed but I still didn’t like it.

He nodded and made some notes before moving on to the next set of notes. “Second, we’d like to set up a trust fund for Maggie. It doesn’t make up for what happened or for Rosamund not being in her life, but. . .it’s something we’d like to do.” 

I felt myself calm down and I thought for a moment before I answered. “I. . .think that would be a nice gesture.”

“What age would you agree upon for her to receive it?” 

I again thought for a moment. “Twenty?” I asked and they looked at each other and nodded. “I think that way she’s an adult but it’s not just handed to her the second she turns eighteen. . .” They again agreed and Robert and I both made notes on our paper.

Robert opened his mouth to say something but as he started to cry, he couldn’t continue. He instead pushed the notepad over to Regina and she held her breath and closed her eyes before continuing. “Rosamund doesn’t want to have any parental rights to Maggie.” She stopped as she looked over at Maggie in the bassinet and she too started to cry. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I knew Rosamund wasn’t thrilled about being a mother, but to give up her parental rights. . .

“Surely that’s the psychosis talking. . .” I tried to reason with them. They both shook their heads. 

“She’s talked to countless therapists and the both of us.” Regina chocked out.

“Can we turn the recorder off for a moment?” Robert asked and I quickly turned it off. “It’s one of the reasons we’re pleading insanity. I’m sure you know that with pleading that, she wouldn’t be able to see Maggie. Once we found out she wanted to give away her parental rights, it was easy to make that decision. We’re hoping that the trial would be quick and that people will be able to move on with their lives.”

I nodded but didn’t understand one thing. “Why are you telling me this? I’ll be testifying against her. . .”

“Do you doubt she’s insane?” He bluntly asked me and I shook my head. “That’s why. We’re not claiming that she didn’t do what she’s being charged with, only why.”

I nodded and motioned back to the recorder. They both agreed and I turned it back on. “We would like, Regina and I, the ability to see Maggie once a year. More if Maggie would like and you approve, but we are still her grandparents and we would like to see her.”

I bit down on my lip and thought about what he said. There was no way I was going to agree to that. “No.” I quietly said and Robert’s face started to turn red from anger. I held up my hand so I could finish my thought. “No, I don’t agree to that. I’m assuming that Rosamund is going to be at some sort of facility for a long time. . .?” They nodded. “I have no problem with either of you seeing Maggie; I do with Rosamund. As long as Maggie is not around Rosamund, I have no problem with you seeing her. Could we agree that you see her on her birthdays, Christmas Eve, and one week a year?” They shockingly agreed. “This of course would be more up to her as she got older, she could decide to see more or less of you as she gets older and makes her own decisions. Could we agree on ten?”

“I think ten would be a good age for her to be able to make up her own mind.” Robert looked over at me and shook his head. “I don’t know how to thank you. . .”

“Like you said, you’re her grandparents and what happened isn’t your fault.”

“There’s one other thing that we wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay. . .”

“What should we agree happens if Maggie wants to have contact with Rosamund, and Rosamund agrees. . .”

I looked down at the table and didn’t know how I could answer that question. I didn’t want Maggie anywhere near Rosamund, ever. I glanced over at Maggie and thought how the whole point of all of this was deciding what was best for Maggie and how maybe that was the answer. “Why don’t we leave that up to Maggie. Right now, I’ll be honest, I don’t want her to have any contact with Rosamund; but as she gets older, she might want to meet her.” I sighed. “Maybe we say that until she’s eighteen, if she wants to meet with Rosamund, and Rosamund agrees to it, that I and a social worker must be present during the whole visitation, and that if Rosamund is no longer at a facility, the meeting is to be held at a location designated by me.”

“I think that’s more than fair.” Regina said and Robert and I again made notes.

We sat there for a moment in silence before Robert spoke again. “Can you think of anything else?” I thought for a moment and honestly couldn’t. He had been very thorough and fair.

“No, I can’t.” I admitted.

They both stood up as did I and I noticed both of them look over at Maggie again. I turned off the recorder and picked her up. “Do you want to hold her?” I offered and they both got a hopeful look on their faces as they nodded.

I first handed her off to Regina and as I watched her hold and hug her, tears started to cloud my vision and I closed my eyes. As much pain as I was in, they were in just as much if not even more. In some ways, they had lost their daughter and I knew before now, had been scared that they would lose their granddaughter as well. After several minutes of holding her, Regina handed Maggie to Robert and at the sight of him holding her, Regina started to cry. I didn’t know what else to do but go over to her and put an arm around her and all three of us stood there, crying.  I had thought about how this meeting would go for the last two days , but I never envisioned that the three of us would be standing there crying, almost trying to comfort each other. But as we stood there, I realized that the three of us were the only ones in this mess that truly felt the impact of what Rosamund had done and how it affected not only our futures, but Maggie’s as well. It was almost as if we were mourning for Maggie and the mother she would probably never know.

After several minutes, Robert placed Maggie back in the bassinet and placed the notepad and pen in his bag. He faced me and nodded. “Thank you, Jefferson, for being so understanding.”

I nodded. “Like I said, you’re her grandparents.” They started to walk towards the door and I called after them.

“Can I ask one thing of you?” They nodded and I sighed. “From here on out, please don’t call me Jefferson. I will always associate that with her, and I. . .” I couldn’t finish the thought. I never wanted to be called that name again. I had let Rosamund call me that for years and I had never liked it, but had thought if it made her happy, I’d let her do it. “Jeff. Call me Jeff.” 

 

They nodded and we traveled to the front door. I shook Roberts hand and was shocked when Regina had pulled me in for a hug. I watched as they made their way out to their car and right as they pulled away, Maggie began to fuss and I walked over to her.

“What’s the matter, Maggie Pie?” I asked her as I picked her up. She started to suck on her hand and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’re hungry.” I stated and carried her into the kitchen where I made her a bottle and as she began to drink from her bottle, she looked up at me with her blue eyes. She was definitely more alert now than she had been the last several weeks and would even try to turn her head sometimes to my voice.  As I watched her drink, I replayed the conversation I had just had with Robert and Regina and how it had made me realize that Maggie and I were basically on our own.  There were many times in the months leading up to this moment when I had wondered if that would ever happen, that Rosamund would snap and do something that would lead to me having most if not full custody of Maggie. But what had happened seemed so final and now I was face to face with the reality that we were alone.  

 I looked back into Maggie’s big blue eyes. “It looks like it’s just you and me.” I said. “Just me, and my Maggie Pie.”