I took a big breath in and blurted it out. “Why didn’t you
tell me about the conversations you had with Jeff?”
She looked at me blinking. I couldn’t tell if she was
shocked, upset, or something else. Once again her face wasn’t giving away any
of her emotions. After we had started
dating, I thought that after a period of time I would be able to tell what she
was thinking. That maybe I would learn to pick up on some indicator that I
hadn’t seen when we were friends, but that hadn’t happened in the year that
we’d been dating. The only thing I was able to read was her eyes, and even
those, on a rare occasion were hard to read. This was one of those times. I had
no idea what was going on in her head.
“What do you mean?” She asked and that’s when I saw the confusion.
I had learned early on in our friendship that, just like Jeff, she didn’t lie.
Once her face showed an emotion that was what she was feeling.
“The conversations you and he had one night in the den and
then at the bar. Did he ask you not to tell me?”
“No. Why?”
“Because you didn’t mention them to me.” I didn’t understand
why was she having such a hard time understanding?
“Is that a problem?”
“Is that a problem. . .Why wouldn’t it be?” She kept looking
confused and I sighed. I was going to have to go a different route to find out
what was really going on since she wasn’t picking up on what I really wanted to
know. I decided to just flat out ask her.
“Star, why didn’t you mention them to me?”
She blinked several times before answering. “I guess I
figured that you’d find out about them at some point. Since they didn’t come
up, I didn’t think about them.”
“Okay, I could see that, but from the conversation Jeff and
I had in the attic, it didn’t sound like just small talk.” She shrugged and I
was really starting to feel frustrated. “As a matter of fact, they sounded
pretty important.”
“Why were you talking about all of this in the attic
anyway?” Star questioned.
“I was getting frustrated with Jeff for not talking to us
about what he was feeling and about what’s going on with Rosamund. I was pretty
much begging him to let us in; trying to explain to him that he wasn’t going to
get through this without leaning on someone. He was shocked that I didn’t know
that he had already talked to you about it and then I was the one that was
shocked to find out that he had. He acted like he had just guessed that you
would have told me about them. So then that got me wondering, why wouldn’t you
tell me about them? Was there a particular reason, because from the way Jeff
acted, there really shouldn’t have been a reason why you didn’t tell me.”
“There wasn’t, it’s like I said. I figured it would come up
eventually but it didn’t.”
“Star, people don’t just forget about conversations that
important. . .” We once again stood there, looking at each other. I was
wondering what was going on in her head and I was pretty sure she was wondering
the same about what was rattling around in my head. We stood there in an
uncomfortable silence for what felt like an eternity. I looked down at the
floor and stared off into space thinking about how ridiculous it was that I
still didn’t even know what had been said during those blasted conversations. I
felt my jaw clench and at the same moment I heard her sigh. I looked up and she
was standing in the same spot with one of her hands clenching her arm. “Star,
it might help if I just knew what was said during those conversations. . .”
She slowly looked up at me and nodded. “The one in the den I
had been downstairs getting a snack and Jeff had come out of their bedroom
after they had fought about the fact that they hadn’t had another child since
the miscarriage. I had started to hear them fighting while I was in the kitchen
and I was trying to get out as fast as I could, but Jeff came out before I
could escape. He looked like he needed to talk to someone so I offered. After a
minute, he agreed and we went up to the den. I figured it would be a good place
since it wasn’t right outside their bedroom door.” I nodded and she continued.
“Once we got up there we started talking about why he
married Rosamund. . .”
“You just came out and asked him? Nothing leading up to it?”
“Well, no. We talked a little about when we were little and
how things were less complicated then which kind of led into me asking him
about Rosamund.”
I nodded again, deciding not to comment. “What did he say?”
“He said that the biggest reason was because she was
pregnant but that there were other not so noble reasons, like his political
career.”
“I had pretty much figured that was one of the reasons.”
“I tried to reason with him that maybe his dream of being in
politics wasn’t worth it. At that point, he figured that was all he had left.
Nothing else had turned out the way he wanted so he was determined to see that
one dream come true. That was pretty much it.” I continually looked at her eyes
the whole time she talked, trying to gage her emotions.
“As for the conversation at the bar. . .”
“Wait, back up.” I interrupted her. She looked somewhat
annoyed but I was curious about something she had said and I wanted to know
about it before she continued. “What did
you both say when you were reminiscing about when we were all younger?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m just curious.” I lied. I hated doing it but I had a
hunch about what all of this was about and I needed to know.
She skeptically looked at me and didn’t say a word for
several moments. I was about to give up on her telling me and was sure by the
sigh she let out that it was her way of saying she wasn’t going to cooperate
but I was shocked when instead she started talking. “I made a comment at one
point about how the two of us being in the den with a plateful of cookies was
kind of like how he and I used to sneak out at night into his tree house;
sometimes even falling asleep in it.” She chuckled “It’s insane how we never
got caught.” As I watched her relive a memory of her and Jeff sneaking into the
tree house, I watched as her expression changed slowly from annoyance, from me
asking about it, to a smile. By the time she was talking about not getting
caught, it was all over her face and in her eyes. I had little doubt at that
point but I let her continue on.
“As I was saying before about the conversation at the bar, I
followed him there and after talking about why Rosamund does crazy things like
not tell him she’s pregnant in private, we talked about his options. I hinted
at divorce and he immediately reminded me of whom Rosamund’s dad is and that he
would have no shot at ever seeing the baby.”
“So he thought about leaving her?”
“I think at this point, if he had something on her, he
would. He’s only with her because of the baby.” I chuckled. “What’s so funny
about that?” She asked almost defensively.
“Oh, I don’t know; possibly the fact that you didn’t think
that a conversation that involved our best friend admitting that he would
possibly leave his wife if the situation presented itself wasn’t worth
mentioning to me.” As I watched her face turn from annoyance back to
emotionless I could feel my heart starting to break a little.
“Damn it Peter! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but is it really
this big of a deal?”
I sighed and turned away from her. I started thinking back
through the last year and remembered certain instances where I felt something
was off but had pushed the thoughts out of my head. Looking back on them now,
with my eyes open, I realized that those feelings had been right. Something had
been off and I was only now seeing what it was. I had been a complete idiot and
wanted so much to believe that she could love me, but it just wasn’t possible.
What hurt even more was that she didn’t even realize her own feelings.
“Peter, please talk to me. I said I was sorry. . .”
“I know you did, Star, but you don’t even realize what is
really wrong here.”
“What in the world are you talking about Peter? You’re upset
that I didn’t tell you about what Jeff and I talked about.”
I nodded and turned around to look at her again. “Yes, but
it’s why you didn’t that matters.”
She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to one side.
“We’ve been over why that happened, Peter.”
“No, we’ve been over why you believe you didn’t tell me,
which in all honesty Star, it doesn’t add up. He’s thinking about divorcing her
and it just slips your brain to tell me?! No, that’s not what’s really going on
here.”
“Well then, Mr. Knowitall, what do you think is going on?
Because I’m telling you, that’s what happened.”
I didn’t know of any other way to ask but to just lay it on
the line. There was just no subtle way to ask it. “Are you still in love with
Jeff?”
Her eyes got huge and she threw her hands in the air. “Are
you smoking something, Peter?! What the hell?! You can’t be serious?!”
“I am. You loved him once, didn’t you?”
“That was a long time ago, Peter. God! What kind of a person
do you think I am? He’s married, has a kid on the way. Have you been hanging
around Rosamund, because you sound a lot like her right now.”
“I actually wonder if this is one subject Rosamund may be
somewhat right about.” I admitted and watched Stars anger turn almost into
rage.
“How dare you! Do you know what you’re accusing me of right
now?”
I was all too aware of what I was accusing her of. “Yes, I’m
accusing you of still being in love with Jeff; but I don’t think you know it,
or at least you’re not willing to admit it to yourself.”
She started to say something but instead glared at me. I had
no idea if she wasn’t speaking because she had been shocked by what I had said,
been shocked because she realized her feelings, or was just so mad that she
couldn’t form a sentence. As I waited
for her to speak, I held my breath. There was no going back now. Even if she
wasn’t willing to see the truth, I had finally seen it and I could feel my
heart breaking.
“You’re wrong, Peter. I’m not in love with Jeff and I can’t
believe you would even think that. You could have just admitted to me that you
wanted to end our relationship, but instead you frantically grasped at anything
to give you an excuse to end it! You’re seeing things that aren’t there and
it’s sad!” I should have done the right thing and taken the high road at that
point but I was so mad at her for not realizing her own feelings.
“What’s sad, Star, is that you are so out of tune with your
own feelings that you can’t see what is very obvious! You try so hard, like
Jeff, to hide your emotions but when they show, there’s no denying them. While
you were talking about being younger and sneaking into the tree house with
Jeff, I could see it in your eyes. But what really convinced me was it was all
over your face! God! I have been such an idiot! I thought you could love me! I
thought that maybe you were over him and that you and I could really have a
shot! This must be what Rosamund feels like, knowing that no matter what you
do, the person you want to be with wants to really be with someone else!” As I
finished the last sentence I felt her slap me and I was snapped out of my rant.
I grabbed her arms and tried to apologize. “I’m sorry, Star.
I shouldn’t have said all of those things.” She squirmed her way out from my
hands and backed away from me, crying.
“Don’t ever touch me again! Don’t ever talk to me again!”
She yelled as she cried. “You are an asshole and I don’t ever want to see you
again!” With that she ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I heard her
slam a door and I closed my eyes. There was no way that things were going to
end well, not after what I had accused her of, but it would have been a whole
lot better if I had just kept my mouth shut and not ranted at the end. After
the way I had acted I deserved what she said. At that moment, I figured that
that was the end of our friendship and that hurt even more than knowing that
our relationship had ended.
There was a knock on my door and for a split second I was
hopeful that it was Star. I was saddened instead to see Jeff. “Hey, um . .
.what’s going on?”
Oh nothing, my now
ex-girlfriend is still in love with you and I’m pretty sure you’re still in
love with her. I sarcastically thought to myself. “Didn’t you hear?” I
asked instead.
“Well, I heard arguing and then Star came out and went into
her room and slammed the door.”
“You must have been on the first floor.” I said and Jeff
nodded. Since my bedroom was on the third floor, he wouldn’t have heard much,
which kind of relieved me. “Star and I. . .I guess you’d say we broke up.”
“What?! Surely it will blow over.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. You didn’t accuse you
girlfriend of being in love with someone else and things would blow over. “No,
Jeff, it won’t.” I grabbed my coat and headed out of my bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Jeff asked as he followed me down the
stairs.
“Out. I need some air.”
“But it’s still snowing. . .”
“I’ll be fine, Jeff.” I tried to smile at him but wasn’t
very successful. “I may be back later, I might not. I’ll call and let you know
where I am if I don’t come back.”
“Okay.” He sounded unsure.
I opened the door and looked outside at the snow covered
ground. Everything seemed so peaceful and calm. Completely opposite of what was
happening inside of me. I turned around to close the door and made eye contact
with Jeff. He looked concerned and I once again tried to smile at him. “I’ll
talk to you later.” I told him as I closed the door.
****Star****
After slamming my bedroom door I leaned against it. I looked
up at the ceiling while I felt the tears streaming down my face. I stood there
wishing that I had just imagined all that had happened. Here it was Christmas
Eve, we weren’t able to go home to Appaloosa, and to top it all off Peter had
just told me that he believed that I was still in love with Jeff and our
relationship was over.
Thinking about Peter enraged me. How could he?! How could he really say all of those things?! How could
he believe them?! It was insane to me to think that he really believed that
I was in love with Jeff! He mentioned that I had been at one point but that was
a long time ago and so many things had happened since then. It was absurd!
There was no way that I was in love with my married, soon to be a father, best
friend. Peter was smoking something if he believed that. It didn’t matter what
he thought he saw, he saw what he wanted and his thoughts had obviously tinted
the glasses he was looking through.
I walked away from the door and pondered what he had said
about me talking about being in the tree house with Jeff. How could anyone
determine from that how a person felt. There was no way he could tell from that
how I felt about Jeff; just another instance of Peter’s insanity today. Maybe
that was it. Maybe Rosamund’s insanity had rubbed off on Peter and he had lost
it. There had to be some rational explanation for the way he had just acted.
But the only rational explanation I could come up with was that Peter was
jealous; jealous of something that didn’t exist. He was jealous of something
that he thought he saw, if that was even the real reason for him acting the way
he did. I still wasn’t convinced that was the real reason. He could have just
really wanted to get out of our relationship for some reason and used that as
an excuse.
I tried to think of times in the recent months that things
may have seemed off, but I was drawing blanks. Up until today I had no idea
that there was even an issue. It was like all of this came out of the blue and
the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that he must have been
looking for a way out. Asshole! Jerk!
I picked up one of my pillows and turned around to fling it at the door. It
didn’t give me the relief I was looking for so I picked up another, and then
another. Soon there was a pile of pillows in front of the door and I still didn’t
feel better. I stared at the pile of pillows and was tempted to fall into them
but was surprised by a knock on the door. I picked up another pillow and armed
myself in case it was Peter.
“Who is it?” I angrily asked.
“It’s me, Jeff.”
I slowly lowered the pillow. “I just want to be alone,
Jeff.”
“I’m either going to talk to you in there or through the
door; up to you.” I shook my head thinking about how stubborn he could be
sometimes and I knew he wasn’t kidding.
“Fine.” The door handle turned and the door slowly opened.
He peaked in around the door and before he saw me he noticed the pile of
pillows on the floor.
“Took your aggression out on the pillows?” He joked as he pushed
the pillows back with the door and stepped the rest of the way into the room.
“Maybe; and I just might take it out on you if you start
making fun of me.” I threatened.
He held up his hands. “I promise, I won’t.” I threw the
pillow on the bed and stood looking at the ground. I had no idea what to tell
Jeff because all of what happened between Peter and I revolved around him. At
least Peter thought it did.
“So, Peter just left, went for a walk in the blizzard. . .”
Jeff started.
“Good! Maybe he’ll freeze to death.”
“You don’t really mean that Star.” Jeff quietly said. I
looked up at him and it looked like he was almost pleading with me to agree
with him. He was right, I didn’t want him to freeze to death but I didn’t want
to admit that right then. I wanted to stay mad at him because I knew as long as
I stayed mad I wouldn’t feel the pain; the pain that he had caused. “Star?”
“What?! What do you want me to say, Jeff? He’s an asshole!
He caused this to happen on Christmas Eve. I was just going along thinking that
everything was fine and then BAM!!! He pulls this shit and now I’m standing in
my room, throwing friggin pillows at the door!”
“What did happen?” Jeff asked.
“He didn’t tell you?” He shook his head. “You didn’t hear?”
He shook his head again. I sighed with relief. At least there was that. I was
somewhat surprised the asshole hadn’t told him what had happened since he was
so convinced that Jeff was somewhat involved. But my relief was soon replaced
by fretting. There was no way I could tell him what Peter thought, even if it
had been imagined. It would forever change how Jeff perceived our friendship. I
had just lost one friend and there was no way I was going to be able to handle
losing another, especially Jeff. I was at a complete loss, I had no idea what
to tell him.
“Was it really as bad as Peter led me to believe?” I nodded.
“So there’s no chance of you making up?” I slowly looked over at him with what
I was sure was a crazed look.
“Make up? There is no way, EVER that I will make up with
him. Not only is our relationship over, our friendship is over! He’s
delusional! He sees things that aren’t there and then blames me for them!” With
each sentence I let out more and more of my anger and more and more of the hurt
was starting to come forward. “I just don’t get it, Jeff! Why today? Why
couldn’t he have waited for a couple more days? Why doesn’t he believe me? Why
is he making something out of nothing?” Before I could stop myself, I was crying;
which was the last thing I wanted to do in front of Jeff.
Before I could stop him, he was hugging me; which made me
cry even more. It was as if a dam had broken and there was no holding back the
tears. I knew I had to stop but the more I tried to stop the more I cried. I
probably would have continued to cry but a sudden thought hit me. I was
standing there crying, with Jeff. Not only was I standing there crying but he
was holding me, comforting me. This was
the worst thing that could happen after Peter’s and my argument.
“Star, are you okay?”
I pulled away from him. “I’m fine.” I said without looking
him in the eye.
I heard him sigh and I looked at him. He was watching me
with a concerned expression. We made eye
contact and I felt my heart start to beat faster. I immediately started to
think back to the night when we were in the den and I had felt the same thing. No, this can’t be. I refuse to admit that Peter was right. But the more I tried to
deny it, the more I knew it was true. Peter had been right, I had been fooling
myself. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to continue to act like I had
before? I almost felt like I needed to leave, like my being in the house was
wrong. But I just couldn’t leave Jeff to Rosamund. Who knew what she’d do to
him if someone wasn’t looking out for him. I kept wishing that none of this was
happening, that I could go back to the way things had been when we woke up that
morning. Then we could have all chosen
different paths. That Peter and I never would have gotten into the fight and he
wouldn’t have started this foolishness about Jeff.
“Star. . .”
“I’m fine, Jeff. I just think I need some time alone.” I
lied. I couldn’t remember a time in our lives that I had lied to him and the
fact that I just had made me feel even worse than I did.
He hesitated for a moment and then put his hand on my arm.
“If you want to talk, you know where to find me.” I nodded and continued to not
look at him as he took his hand away and walked toward the door.
He stopped one last time before he closed the door. “I mean
it. You can talk to me no matter where or when it is.” I nodded and tried to
smile. He quietly closed the door and I listened as I heard his footsteps going
farther and farther away, and then eventually down the stairs. The whole time I
listened I could feel tears streaming down my face. When I was sure he was
downstairs and far enough away I sat down on my bed and sobbed. I cried so hard
I could barely catch my breath. I had no idea how the pain I felt was ever
going to go away. It was by far the worst day I could ever remember; I had lost
one of my best friends and realized that I was in love with the other.
Credits:
Poses:
F&L - My Weakness
Zhippidy - Anger Fight
Zhippidy - Bang Door Poses
Aeoverse - Affection
Credits:
Poses:
F&L - My Weakness
Zhippidy - Anger Fight
Zhippidy - Bang Door Poses
Aeoverse - Affection
