Chapter Twenty Eight: Sessions

This chapter and the two prior were very much influenced by the song provided below. If you'd like, you can click on it and listen while you read. Thanks so much for reading!

****Jeff****

For the past four months I had been talking to someone about what happened. I hated saying that I was going to a psychologist, but I technically was. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I sat in one of the chairs, waiting for my appointment time. I would have never guessed that I would ever resort to talking to one of these “doctors,” but after Star had started seeing one and I saw how she was slowly becoming less and less jumpy, I had been convinced by her and Bridge to give it a try.

The first appointment had been a joke; at least I had thought it was. I looked at some pictures and told him what I saw and then we had briefly talked about why I thought I was there. I couldn’t believe that someone had gone to school to learn to interpret ink blots and to have the “patient” tell them what they thought was wrong. Wasn’t that what they were supposed to do? But for some reason, I had gone back the next week and as much as I hated to admit it, it was nice to be able to talk to someone and not feel judged. And the fact that he couldn’t repeat what I said was a reassurance as well.

“Hi, Jeff. Why don’t you come on in.” He said to me from his office door and I stood up and walked into his office. We took our normal positions, him sitting in one chair, me in the other and we then started our normal conversation. 

“So, how’s you week been?” He asked me.

I shrugged. “Good.” 

He smiled and nodded. “Just, good. . .?”

I sighed. “Well, my divorce was finalized on Wednesday.”

He nodded again. “How do you feel about that.”

“How does anyone feel about getting divorced?” I questioned him back.

“Well, we could talk about that, but it doesn’t really tell me how you feel about it.” After several weeks of “seeing” him I had noticed that his approach towards me had changed; He had originally been less pushy. I had begun to wonder if he adjusted his delivery for each of his patients; tailored it to their personalities.

“It brought a little closure, I think. It also made me realize how final everything has become.”

“Did it make you think about her?”

I sighed and looked down at the floor. “I don’t see how it couldn’t.”

“And you still haven’t seen her, except for in the court room?”

I shook my head as I thought back to the last time I had seen Rosamund. It had been at the hearing for her trial, the prosecutor and her attorney had reached a deal and she wasn’t even going to trial. She had pleaded insanity and after all of the doctor’s records that had been presented to the judge, it was agreed to accept the deal that had been struck. She was to stay at the facility for the next 15 years and then her mental health was to be reevaluated. From what Rosamund’s parents and doctors had said, they didn’t expect her to get out at that point though. I had barely looked at her when we had been in the courtroom, only long enough to satisfy my curiosity. She, on the other hand had looked at me almost the whole time. I had tried my best to lean forward so she couldn’t look at Star who was sitting next to me; trying to shield her from Rosamund’s glare.

“No, I haven’t.” I said and clenched my jaw.

He nodded again and looked a few pages back in his notepad. “Do you still think that you’re to blame for what happened? You mentioned a couple of months ago that you felt that if you had been a better husband that it might have made a difference; that she might not have shot at your friend.”

“I don’t think I was the greatest husband. I’m sure I could have been a lot more supportive, but no, I think no matter what I would have done, she would have eventually snapped. I haven’t seen or talked to her, but I have talked to her parents and a couple of the doctors who have treated her, and they told me that something else probably would have happened that would have triggered some kind of similar reaction from her.”

“You mean trying to shoot someone?”

“I don’t know if it would have been that or more so that something would have snapped within her.”

He nodded and made a note. “About your friend.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I really hated talking to him about Star. “You’ve said before that she was one of the people that tried to warn you about your wife. . .sorry ex-wife. Do you still feel guilty about not listening to her and others?”

“Yes.” I admitted. “I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling somewhat guilty about that. Well, more so about the choices I made.” 

“What do you mean?” He wondered.

“That if I had made better choices that I, we, everyone could have been spared the trauma. But then we wouldn’t be here, would we?” I shot back at him.

“Why do you say that?”

 

I chuckled. “I wouldn’t be here, in this office, talking about how I ‘feel’ which I’ve always been bad at. I wouldn’t have Maggie. . .” I stopped for a moment when I mentioned Maggie.

“If things had been different though, would Maggie even be here?” He asked and I shook my head.

“That’s the one instance that I think that all those years of. . .hell were worth it and I wouldn’t trade anything if it meant I got to have Maggie.”

“So do you now think that what you went through was worth it to have Maggie?” He asked.

I nodded. “Yes.”

“Do you still feel guilty that Maggie might grow up not knowing her mother?”

I thought about what he asked me for a moment. “No. . .I wish it wasn’t the case, and it’s sad to think that she won’t know Rosamund; but I don’t feel personally quilty about that anymore.”

“Do you blame your ex-wife?”

I again thought about it. “No. . .I actually don’t.”

“But you did?”

“Oh yeah.”

“What changed?”

“I think since some time has passed I’ve realized that Rosamund can’t help how she is. I’m not thrilled about it, I know it’s probably going to create some hardships down the road, especially for Maggie, but I don’t blame her for that.”

“Back to your friend.” I sighed again and shook my head. “Why do you react that way when I bring her up?” 

“It’s. . .complicated.”

“Why?”

“It just is.” I said.

“You’re very protective of her.” He stated.

I nodded. “Yes, yes I am.”

“Why is that?”

I shrugged.

“Is it because you feel guilty about what happened to her and in some ways responsible?”

I thought back to that day and how scared I had been when for a brief moment I didn’t know if Star had been shot or not. I then started to think about how during these last months she had stayed by me, even calling Bridge to help me when she didn’t know how.

“No; I did. Star has been my friend my whole life, and besides a short period of time, we have always remained friends. She’s stuck by me through. . .pretty much everything. That’s why I’m protective of her.”

He nodded again and made some more notes in his pad. He looked up at me and shocked me with his next question. “Do you love her?”

I chuckled at his persistence. “It’s, again, complicated.”

“Why?”

“There’s a lot of history between us.” I admitted.

“Does the fact that you had feelings for her when you were married figure into that?”

“I don’t think I ever said I did. . .” I thought back to if I had ever admitted to him that I had had feelings for Star while Rosamund and I were married.

He flipped back through his pad until he found what he was looking for. “You said about a month after we began our sessions that you had felt guilty about the fact that you had feelings for another woman while you were married to your ex-wife. A “friend” of yours.”

“Hmm. . .” I thought for a moment. “I never said who it was though.” I admitted.

“So you have another friend that you have or had feelings for?” He asked.

I tilted my head and smirked, somewhat enjoying the fact that I was possibly flustering him . “I didn’t say that either.”

“You also said that at the time that you had found out that your ex-wife was “pregnant” when you were in high school that you had feelings for a friend but didn’t act on those feelings and you felt that contributed to you being with your now ex-wife. . .Same friend?”

“Maybe.” I halfway admitted and the smirk on my face disappeared as I looked back down at the floor.

“Why do you think you’re so scared to talk about her and your past?”

I was again shocked by his bluntness and pushing and had started to notice that it was causing me to answer him. I sighed and thought about whether or not I wanted to. “There’s no pressure to answer, I’m just pushing you a little more this session.”

“I’ve noticed.” I flatly replied but continued. “Ever since I can remember having feelings for her, it’s been complicated. I had feelings for her, she acted like she didn’t. . .”

 “Do you think she didn’t?” 

“I don’t know. That was over four years ago now.” I admitted and continued. “Then Rosamund came along and I started to think that she had feelings for me but I was with Rosamund. Then Rosamund and I weren’t together and Star and I almost kissed; but I slept with Rosamund. . .and then it was like a domino effect and I felt like I was on a train that I couldn’t get off of. And I got mad at Star for trying to convince me that marrying Rosamund was a bad idea and we didn’t talk for six months, and then we were friends again. And by that point, I realized that my marriage was. . .not what I had hoped it would be. And somewhere along the way, I realized that I still had feelings for Star, but she was with Peter and I was married so I tried to burry my feelings because I was married and shouldn’t have had feelings for another woman while I was married. Which is why I partially felt guilty after the shooting.”

“Because of your feelings?”

I nodded. “Because Rosamund called me out on it right before she pulled the trigger and at the time I thought that if I hadn’t had the feelings that I have for Star that maybe Rosamund wouldn’t have tried to shoot her.”

He smirked a little and I looked at him. “What?”

“Oh. . .um, you said the feelings that you ‘have’ for her. . .present tense.” He said before making more notes on his notepad.

“Anyway. . .” I said. “It’s complicated.”

He looked back up from his notepad.  “Do you think that you might be using your past as an excuse from expressing your feelings towards her? That maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt or that she might reject you again and your past provides you an excuse for not expressing your feelings?”

I was about to let him know exactly what I thought about his questions when there was a chime. “It looks like were out of time.” He stood up and walked towards the door. “We’ll pick up there at our next appointment.” He added and I shook my head as I stood up.

“I’ll see you next week, Jeff.” He said before opening the door.

“Next week.” I nodded as I walked out the door and then shook my head at how I still didn’t know why I kept coming back.

****Star****

I sat outside of the doctor’s office waiting for my appointment time to start. Soon after Bridge had come to town to help Jeff, I had taken her advice and started to see a psychologist. I figured it couldn’t hurt and maybe, just maybe, it would help.  I had been surprised when Jeff had started to go see a psychologist too. He had never liked them and had always believed that they weren’t real doctors; that they made up most of what they did and there was no real science behind it.

I had a more open mind than him and had actually come to enjoy the sessions. Some were more challenging than others, but I had found out a lot about myself in the last several months. “Hi Star, why don’t you come on in?” Doctor Moyers said to me from her office door. I stood up and quickly made my way into her office. I had always thought her office was warm and inviting, accept for the first time. I had been incredibly nervous and hadn’t been able to relax much during that meeting. But by the third one, I had started to feel more comfortable talking to her and found it easier to relax.

“So, how has your week been?” She cheerfully asked me.

“Good! I got a big project done and I talked to my Mom about Christmas. She’s got several things planned while I’m home on break.”

“Sounds like that will be fun.” She paused for a moment. “How are things at the house.”

I wrinkled my nose at the mention of the house. “Tense, like always.” I wouldn’t admit that to many people but I knew she wouldn’t be telling anyone what I said to her so I felt more at ease talking to her about things.

“Did anything happen this week to make things more so than normal?”

I nodded. “Well, Peter is still acting, mad at Jeff and Jeff’s divorce was finalized this week. He seemed to be okay, but. . .also sad.”

“How did you feel about it?”

“Me?” I was stunned she was asking.

She nodded.

“Well. . .I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I mean, I wasn’t married to her so it’s not like it’s my divorce.”

“But it affects you., doesn’t it?” She asked.

I thought for a moment. “I guess, in a way. . .yeah. It affects Jeff so in that way it affects me.” She made a couple notes in her notebook and flipped back through some previous notes.

“But you have feelings for him?”

I nodded and thought more about her previous question. “Is it wrong that I was. . .relieved that his divorce was final?”

“No, but why did you feel relieved?”

I sighed as I thought about why. “Because it meant that I didn’t have feelings for a married man anymore. . .” I reluctantly admitted.

She nodded and made another note in her notebook. “And was it really a bad thing that you did have feelings for Jeff, when he was married?”

“I don’t think it was the most appropriate thing. . .” I admitted.

She again looked back at some previous notes. “Do you still feel that the fact that you had and have feelings for Jeff caused Rosamund to do what she did?”

“No, I think whatever mental conditions she has are why she did what she did. I mean she was right, I was in love with him while they were married, but I never acted on my feelings. I did think that initially though, that I was to blame for how she acted.”

“Do you think he loved you when he was married?”

“I’m . . .not a hundred percent sure. I wondered but Jeff is so good at hiding his feelings that it’s usually hard to figure out what he’s thinking or feeling.”

She nodded. “Do you think he’s in love with you now?” 

“Again. . .I’m not sure.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it’s not something that the two of us have discussed.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Because, it’s complicated.”

“Why? What makes it complicated?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Ever since the end of high school our friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it, has been complicated and a mess. People sometimes say that if you’re not careful you might miss your chance to be with your true love. I often wonder if that’s what happened with Jeff and me.”

“Do you think he’s your ‘true love?’”

“That’s not exactly what I meant.  I meant that I think we might have missed our opportunity to be together.”

She nodded and made a couple more notes. “So if you think that, then why are you still with him?”

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

“If you think your chance of being with him has passed, why are you still so invested in him and what he’s doing?”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “Because I love him.”

“Even though he might not love you?”

“Yes.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“For right now, yes, because there’s still a small part of me that hopes that we haven’t missed our chance to be together.”

“What do you think would happen if you told him today how you felt?” She wondered.

“Wouldn’t now be really bad timing?”

“Would it?”

“His divorce was just finalized.”

She looked back over her notes and then looked at me. “I want you to think about something before our next meeting. Actually a couple of things.” I nodded and she continued. “What do you think would happen if you told Jeff right now how you felt about him and why are you waiting for the ‘right time.’”

The bell softly chimed and she closed her notebook. “It appears our time is up.” She stood up and I followed her to the door. “I’ll see you next week, Star.” She said.

“Thank you.” I said and walked out of her office, already pondering her questions.

****Jeff****

I had come home after the counseling session and had relieved the nanny before checking on Maggie who was napping. As I walked back out of the bedroom, I saw Star walking in the front door.

“How was your day?” I asked after she turned around from closing the door.

She shrugged. “Good.”

I nodded. I had noticed that she was usually less talkative after seeing her psychologist. I walked farther into the kitchen and looked in the fridge. “I’m going to make some spaghetti. . .do you want some?” I asked and looked over at her. 

She nodded. “Maybe Peter will want some.”

I nodded and stuck my head back in the fridge so she wouldn’t see the face I made. “And you can stop trying to hide; I know you’re making a face.” She busted me and I peeked back over the top of the fridge.

She lightly laughed but stopped as we both heard Peter on the stairs. I didn’t know what to do with Peter; he acted angry all the time but wouldn’t tell anyone what the problem was. I had an idea, but he had refused to tell me what it was anytime I had approached him.

He stepped off the bottom stair and looked back and forth between Star and me. “Can we, talk?” He asked us and I looked over at Star; she looked as shocked as I was. Star and I both nodded and Peter motioned for us to sit in the living room. That’s when I knew that it was serious. Star and I each sat on different sections of the couch and to my surprise, Peter pulled a chair in from the dining room. He sat there for a moment, looking down at the floor and I glanced over at Star. I raised an eyebrow, wondering if she knew what he was about to say and she quickly shook her head and shrugged.

“I know things have been. . .strained between all of us the last several months, but there’s something that’s come up and I felt like I needed to tell both of you about it, face-to-face.” Star and I both nodded and he continued. “I learned about three months ago about a study abroad opportunity for marketing majors and I applied for it.”

“That’s wonderful, Peter.” Star said and he slowly nodded.

“I found out about a week ago that I was one of two students selected.” He admitted.

“Congratulations.” I offered.

“Thanks.” 

“Where is it?” Star wondered.

“It’s in London.” 

“Oh. . .wow.”  Star whispered.

“Yeah, so I guess this means that I’m moving out.” He confessed.

“So you won’t be here for graduation?” Star asked.

He shook his head. “I could, but I don’t know where this will lead, I’d be surprised at this point if I end up back in Appaloosa at least until after grad school.” He admitted and I instantly started to feel regret that I hadn’t tried harder to sit down with Peter and talk about what happened.

“Hey Star, would you mind giving Peter and me a moment to talk alone?” She nodded and congratulated Peter again before making her way up the stairs and into her room. Once I heard her door close, I looked back over at Peter who was already watching me.

I rubbed the back of my neck before I started, not really sure how this conversation was going to go, but knowing that it was one that we both needed to have.

“I should have done this a while ago. . .” I started and let out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry, Peter.” He rolled his eyes and looked over at one of the front windows.

“You don’t get it, Jeff.”

“You blame me for that day.” I offered.

“I did.” He said looking back at me. “When it first happened, I did. I don’t anymore. Rosamund did that and you tried to save Star, so I can’t be mad at you for that.”

“Then what is it, Peter? If you’re going to be this upset with me, can’t you at least tell me why?”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why?” He sighed and looked down at the floor. “Because of Star. . .” I stated. 

“It’s not for me to say.” He said.

“So you get to be mad at me for something but you can’t tell me why and I can’t really apologize for it since I really don’t know what it is.”

He glared at me. “Can you really be that blind? Can you really not see what happened? How she feels? How she chose. . .” He stopped suddenly.

“What, Peter, what did she choose?” I begged him to continue.

He jumped out of his seat. “You!!” He yelled and quickly looked upstairs obviously shocked that he had let it slip out.

My heart stopped for a moment and I felt my stomach sink. “Me?”

“Oh my God, Jeff!” He more quietly said. “Open your eyes! I’ve said more than I should but how can anyone be so blind? It’s like you try not to see what’s right in front of you! What’s always been in front of you!” He forcefully whispered.

“You broke up over me?” I asked still in shock.

“Jesus, Jeff! Catch up with the rest of us!” He insulted me, and I supposed I deserved it.

“And that’s why you’re mad at me. . .” I said finally understanding all of the tension that had been in the house for almost a year.

“No.” He said.

“No?” I was completely confused. If he didn’t blame me for what Rosamund did and he wasn’t mad because, as he put it, Star had chosen me, then what could he possibly be mad at?

“I tried my damndest to love her but she chose you which I came to terms with a while ago. What I’m mad about is that you’re so blind, so. . .dumb that you can’t even realize what you have. I realized what I had and what I lost. You don’t even know what is just waiting for you! All I want is for Star to be happy, and for whatever reason, she thinks that’s you; the guy who keeps dragging her along, leading her on. If you want to be with her, great! Then do it! If not, damn it; just tell her so she can move on with her life!” He sighed when he was done ranting and then knocked over the chair. “Damn it. I promised I wouldn’t tell you. . .”

I nodded. “You may have, but. . .God, Peter, I’m so sorry. I. . .” I sat there trying to process all that he had said to me. 

“That’s what keeping your feelings hidden does, Jeff. It leaves people wondering how you not only feel about things, it keeps them from knowing how you feel about them or others.  You tried to hide your feelings for Star while you and Rosamund were together but what’s your excuse now? Why do you keep dragging Star along, not letting her know how you feel? Are you trying to hurt her, trying to lead her on?”

“No, of course not.” I admitted.

“Surely you can see that by not telling her anything that you’re making the situation worse? God, have you really not learned anything these last four years?  We’ve all done it, tried to fight what we felt and convince ourselves that we knew better than our hearts; but some of us have learned that lesson, that you can’t convince your heart to feel something it doesn’t or to stop feeling what it does. But most of us have figured that out. You’d think you’d have, especially after what happened with Rosamund.”

There was a long silence as each of us were lost in our own thoughts. As I had several times in the last month, I was realizing once again that my actions or lack of them had caused hurt to those I had cared most about. 

“Look, Jeff, we’ve been friends for a long time. Will you do me a favor, as a friend?” He interrupted my thoughts and I nodded. “Figure out what you want and let her know. You at least owe her that much.” 

“I will. I promise.” As he picked up the dinning chair and returned it to the table, I stood up and we then looked at each other for a moment. “When are you leaving?” I asked.

“I’ll be moving there a little after Christmas, but I’ll be moved out of here by the beginning of Christmas break.; so within the next two weeks.” I nodded and looked down at the floor. “Will you do me another favor?” He asked.

I met his stare. “Anything.” I offered. His expression changed to a pained one and he bit the inside of his cheek before continuing.

“Take care of her. . .” He whispered.

I looked him in the eyes. “If she’ll let me, I will.”

He nodded and made his way upstairs as I slowly walked into the living room and fell back on the couch in disbelief about what had just happened.  .  .

I was again sitting in one of the waiting room chairs wondering how many more times I was going to do this. I was sure there was going to be an end to the sessions, but was that when I decided or when he decided. I had no idea, but I did know that unlike every other week that I had come back, this week I actually wanted to talk to him. There was so much going on in my head and I needed to share it with someone, unload to someone.

“Jeff?” I looked over at the doorway. “Why don’t you come on in?”

I quietly walked in his office and took my seat.

“So, how’s your week been?” He asked me, I’m sure expecting me to not really answer and for us to do our usual dance.

I paused before I answered and unlike every other week, tried to figure out where to start. “I. . .” I sighed and closed my mouth, thinking for a moment more before I continued. I looked up at him and squared my shoulders. “I want to figure out why I can’t tell Star that I love her.” 

He nodded. “We can work on that. . .” He smiled and changed sitting positions before asking me more questions.