Chapter Twenty Nine: Because I Love You (aka Shape of My Heart)

When I originally wrote this chapter, I titled it Because I Love You, which I've obviously kept. However, as I was browsing music on Spotify, I came across a song that. . .well, it's like Jeff could have written it himself to Star. So I of course have to provide it.  :)  And for the first time, I'm giving a chapter an "aka" since it's just too perfect. Thanks so much for reading!

****Jeff**** 

As I stood looking around at the downstairs rooms, I realized that I had never known the house to have such a calm feeling. When I had first moved there, it had been with Rosamund and from the start, there had been tension; mostly tension between her and Bridge, but also between her and me. There had been a brief calm after Bridge and Carson had gotten married and moved out, but it was soon replaced with the growing tension between Rosamund and me and then, once Star and Peter had moved in, it had reached an all-time high. There was a constant uneasiness after that between all of us; between Rosamund and Star, Star and Peter, Peter and me, and even Star and me.

Then there had been the tension that had been between Peter, Star and me after Rosamund had tried to shoot Star. None of us had been able, or willing to talk to each other, and we had all become distant.

That was something I never thought would happen, Star and me becoming distant and our inability to talk to each other. We had always known what each other was thinking, even feeling, which could be hard with me since I hadn’t been the kind of person that liked to show how I felt. But Star had always been able to do that and we had always been on the same page. . .until the summer that Mom had Scarlett; that’s when everything changed. 

I had realized while Star sat with my family and me in the hospital, waiting to hear word if Mom was going to be okay, that I had stronger feelings for Star than friendship. People had teased and joked with us long before that about how we were always together and how we should just give in and date. . .but before that, I was able to shrug those comments and jokes off. Once my feelings changed, every time someone joked about us getting together, I started to feel guilty about how I felt about Star. I had been so scared back then about how she would react if I told her how I felt, I decided to push my feelings down and try to ignore them.

I thought it had worked, thought that I could control how I felt, and at one point, had even thought I was lucky that Rosamund had come into my life. Which in some ways I had been, since it gave me Maggie; but between the years of trying to hide my feelings about Star from her and others, and trying to ignore how I felt. . .I had become ashamed of my feelings for her and had made myself believe that telling her how I felt, was wrong.

It had taken months of therapy and an honest conversation with Peter for me to realize that I had been very wrong.  Once I had finally opened my eyes, I had been determined to make things right not only between Star and myself, but everyone; and as I looked around at each quiet, peaceful, almost happy room, I couldn’t believe how much had changed in three short months. . .

Peter had moved out a little before Christmas break which had obviously relieved some of the tension in the house; but even before that, there seemed to be a calmer feel. After he and I talked the night he told Star and me that he was moving out, it was as if he and I came to an understanding and the animosity he had towards me was gone. I still felt bad for what happened between him and Star, and that I had a part in their breakup, but I had been glad once he had finally told me what had really happened.

Star, Maggie and I had gone home for Christmas, she and her Mom spending most of it with my family and Robert and Regina had even joined us at the ranch. I smiled every time I remembered Christmas night, when all of us were sitting at the now very crowded table and I had looked over at Star. She was watching and listening to Charlie as he told a story and didn’t see me watching her. For some reason, Mom had decided to have a candlelit dinner and the way the candlelight made Star’s face glow. . .there was no other way to describe it. . .she had radiated beauty and I was sure that I hadn’t breathed for several minutes afterwards. Of course, Bridge had caught and smiled at me, but not in her normal pestering way; but instead in a caring, understanding way.

We had returned to the campus house and I had wondered what it would be like with just Maggie, Star, and me there. That’s when I had first known how peaceful and quiet the house could feel. We had quickly gotten into the routine of the new school semester. I had enrolled back in classes and during the day while I was at school, Maggie was with a nanny. I had been nervous at first, worrying that something might happen to her, but I had set firm guidelines with the nanny about who she was to let in the house, and who could relieve her of her duties; and after several weeks, my anxiety lessened.

Star was one of the people that could relieve the nanny, and even though I had told her countless times that if she came home and I wasn’t there that she should go study or do whatever she needed to do, she never listened.  Every time she got home before me, she would tell the nanny that it was okay for her to leave and I would come home and see Star trying to convince Maggie to crawl, or even drawing on her board while holding Maggie, trying to explain what she was drawing.

We both pretty much had started studying and doing school work downstairs either at the dining room table, the drawing table or computer desk. It had only been a couple days after returning home from Christmas break that Star had asked me to help her move her drawing table downstairs so she could work on her projects while still being downstairs with Maggie and me. Those were some of the quietest moments I had ever experienced since living there.

It had been years since I had known a peacefulness like what fell over the house, and I had found that it allowed me to be more present to my surroundings. That had been one of the many things that I had learned from seeing a psychologist; I had always thought that I was an observant person, but the years of craziness with Rosamund, of trying to hide and ignore my feelings for Star, of not wanting to feel the pain that I had been in, had numbed me to my surroundings and I had stopped really paying attention to what was going on around me. In the last three months, I had been able to focus on the situations and people around me, and one thing that I realized was how right Peter had been; I had been a complete idiot.

Day in and day out for the last three and a half months, I had watched as Star not only worked hard during her last semester of undergrad, but also took the time to look after Maggie. There wasn’t anything that she wouldn’t do for her; she changed, bathed, fed, read to her. . .anything that Maggie needed, all without me asking for her help. Whenever she was free, she was helping me take care of her. That alone blew me away, it probably shouldn’t have, but it did. But I also started noticing the little things that she would do for me, making me a cup of coffee in the mornings, cooking dinner for us when I was bogged down with school work. . .things that didn’t really scream “I love you,” but things that she had done before that I hadn’t really noticed but wished I had.

What I think surprised her, was that I was now doing some of those things for her too. And then there was the occasional touching. Sometimes when she would be drawing and had taken a pause to scrutinize what she had done, I would sometimes walk up behind her and put my hand on her back, or sometimes when I noticed she was stressed out, I would place a comforting hand on her arm. For many people, that wouldn’t have been a huge deal, but for Star and I, who had always had trouble showing how we felt to each other, it had been a huge step for us. In the last several weeks, we had also been sneaking glances at each other while we did homework and that’s when I really started to wonder if we had been given a second chance or a do-over for our relationship which always led me to think about our Prom night. . .

Up until recently, I would have said that I would have given anything to go back in time and changed that night. That instead of letting Star get away and sleeping with Rosamund, I would have ran after Star and told her how I felt. But I couldn’t say that now; not after Maggie was born. But the fact that I felt that I had been given a second chance to get it right this time, I knew that didn’t come along often. I was scared beyond belief about telling Star how I felt, but I didn’t want to miss another opportunity to do it.

I took one last look around the downstairs and took in a big breath hoping it would have a calming effect, but my heart started racing again when I heard the front door open. . .

****Star****

I opened the front door and expected to see Tracy, Maggie’s nanny, but instead was surprised to see Jeff standing in the living room. “What are you doing here?”

“My last class got out early. The professor wanted to get an early start to his Spring Break.” He smiled as he explained to me. I casually looked away, not wanting him to see how his smile affected me. Ever since he had grown a beard. . .even before that, his smile had made my stomach flutter; but even more so after he had grown his beard.

“Where’s Maggie?”

“She was cranky when I got here so I put her in the swing and she fell asleep. She hasn’t slept well the last several nights, I think she’s teething again.”

I looked back at him. “I did notice that she was drooling a lot yesterday. . .” I admitted and he again smiled causing the butterflies in my stomach to spaz out again. I tried to calm myself as I casually walked into the kitchen and got my normal after class snack. I was pouring the cereal into the bowl when I felt a hand on my back. 

“Do you have any studying to do tonight?” He gently asked and I had to use every ounce of concentration to continue to pour the cereal into the bowl. He had started lightly touching my back and arms recently and every time he did, although it was wonderful, it was also distracting. I was always afraid that I would lose control and have some kind of accident with whatever I was attempting to do. He really had no idea what his touch did to me, how much it excited me.

I shook my head and grabbed the milk, determined to keep my focus.

“I was going to grill steak later. . .” He hinted and that’s when I slowly turned to look at him.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?” He asked as he walked to the side table to look through the mail, trying to act nonchalant.

“So it’s just a coincidence that you’re making my favorite meal. . .” He was up to something, I just knew it.

He put the mail down and shook his head. “They were on sale at the store and I figured we could celebrate that we’ve made it halfway through the semester.”

It was my turn to shake my head. “I don’t believe you.” I admitted and he again smiled at me. I hadn’t realized how little I had seen his smile in the last four almost five years until it had started to reappear.  I had seen him smile more in the last three months than I could remember him doing in all those years and I was extremely grateful that it was back.

“So, how was your midterm?”

I laughed. “Changing the subject; how typical of you. . .” He again smiled and I continued. “Good. It was weird to take an actual test. I usually submit a project as a midterm so it felt odd to actually study.”

He nodded. “I don’t have that luxury.”

I smiled. “Well, you could always switch and become a design major. . .”

“Yeah. . .not going to happen.” He joked.

For the next several hours we played with Maggie and got our things ready for our trip back to Appaloosa. We were spending our Spring Break there and with both of us still having classes the next day, neither of us wanted to wait till the last minute to pack.  We went through our normal routine of playing and feeding Maggie until her bedtime, and once she was asleep, Jeff started on dinner. I helped make a salad while Jeff grilled steaks and soon we were sitting at the table eating and talking about our upcoming trip to Appaloosa, midterms and projects we had done, and then eventually about the house.

“So. . .are you going to look for anyone else to stay here? Since two of the bedrooms are unoccupied?” I wondered. The house had seemed so empty since Peter had moved.

He shook his head. “No. I could, but I think the fact that it isn’t full has allowed the house to have a calmer feel.” He admitted.

I nodded. “It definitely does. I was just wondering since most of the time the house has been full of people, right?”

“Yeah, but even if I wanted to find someone else to stay here, I don’t know many people that would want to live with a eight month old baby.”

“Well, maybe most eight month olds, but Maggie has got to be one of the less fussy babies ever.” I added.

****Jeff****

The conversation switching to Maggie gave me the lead into one of the things I wanted to talk to her about. “That’s actually one reason why we’re eating your favorite meal.” I admitted.

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to thank you for staying with Maggie and me; for helping with her so much. . .I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

I noticed her cheeks blush a little. “You don’t have to thank me, Jeff. I wanted to.”

I nodded. “Still. . .thank you.”

She nodded and looked down at the table, thinking about something and I sighed as I was reminded that there would have been a time that I would’ve been able to know what was going on in her head, but the over four years of drifting apart had caused some of the connection we had from growing up together to somewhat dissipate.

She suddenly looked back at me and furrowed her brow. “One reason. . .” She hinted. “Meaning that there’s at least one other one. . .”

I smiled a little; I knew that she would catch on to my intentional use of words. “I thought sitting down and having a quiet dinner together might provide a good time to. . .talk.”

She tilted her head and looked baffled. “About what?”

As I paused and thought about what I was about to do, I could feel my heart rate start to increase again and I could even feel sweat on my palms. I looked down at my plate, hoping that the extra seconds I took to answer her would help me muster up any courage, but I soon realized that no amount of wishing, hoping, or contemplating was going to give me some magical amount of gumption. I looked back into her eyes and took a deep breath; knowing that I was just going to have to blurt it out. “Us.”

She looked somewhat taken aback, but not completely shocked and I hoped that was a good thing. I had played out this moment many times in the past couple months, wondering how I should start, what her reactions would be; but now that we were here, I was completely uncertain about what was about to happen. 

“Are you okay, with that?” I asked and held my breath as I waited for her response.

“Yes.” She quickly admitted and I felt some relief.

As I contemplated where to start I began having flashbacks to several counseling sessions where I had argued with the psychologist about talking about Star’s and my past; how it didn’t matter in figuring out where we were today. I had eventually figured out that I had been wrong. “I think that in order to talk about where we are right now, we need to talk about the past.”

“I agree.” She quietly said.

I let out a big breath and began. “I didn’t realize until recently that I had been shoving my feelings about everything so far down. I knew that I had been, to a certain extent, but not to the degree I had been. And I didn’t realize how long I had been doing it. . .” I looked over at her. “Not that I’ve ever been the greatest at expressing my feelings, but I used to be better at it.” She smiled a little as she nodded. “It was like I got to a certain point and stopped wanting to feel.”

“I remember you mentioning that when we talked in the study that one night.” She stated.

“Yeah, I did, but it started before that. It started that summer that Scarlett was born. I think that it affected all of us; Charlie, Bridge, and me. Charlie not so much but I think it pushed him and Kate together.” She nodded and I continued.  “But with Bridge and me. . .she didn’t know how to handle it and she pushed Carson away; me, I started shoving my feelings down so I didn’t have to feel the anxiety and worry from almost losing Mom. And that seemed to work; I was able to keep myself from feeling any of that. But it started a cycle of whenever something happened and I was scared, or unsure, or I just didn’t want to deal with what I was feeling, I would detach myself from everything, and then I didn’t have to deal with whatever it was. I didn’t have to deal with the fact that I had feelings for you when I was sure you didn’t have them for me, or that I felt trapped by what happened at the end of our senior year, or that the whole time I was married to Rosamund, that I. . .was in love with you.” She bit her bottom lip and her eyes got huge, but she didn’t look away from me like I expected her to. “I was so busy trying to fight what I was feeling, and also trying not to feel, that I wasn’t able to see what was happening around me, with Rosamund, not even with you and Peter.”

She looked away at that point and closed her eyes. “That was a. . .” She started and stopped herself, almost like she was trying to keep herself from saying something. She eventually opened her eyes again and looked into mine, searching for something. “You know, don’t you?” She asked but I wasn’t quite sure what she was referring to. “You know why he and I broke up, don’t you?”

I slowly nodded and she let out what seemed to be a sigh of relief “I tried to do the same thing you did, I tried to bury my feelings and thought that I too could move past what had happened at the end of high school.  I didn’t see what was so obvious to Peter, and Rosamund. . .that I still had feelings for you.” I had started to wonder, but I was still somewhat shocked. “Surely you knew that I did? I asked you to prom, we almost kissed, I was mad at you the whole time you dated Rosamund. . .”

I was a little embarrassed that I hadn’t completely figured it out before she had told me. “I. . .kind of had an idea. . .I wasn’t sure though.”

She nodded.  “That seems to be the theme of the past almost four years, our inability to talk to each other and to let the other know exactly how we’ve felt. None of us were very good at recognizing what we were actually feeling.”

“Peter mentioned that to me too, that night he told us he was moving out.” I sadly admitted. “As much as I wish that we all could have avoided the pain from the past four years, it would mean not having Maggie and I will never think of her as a mistake.”

She sadly smiled. “No, she’s not a mistake. You know me, I’m not a believer in coincidences and she wouldn’t be here if you and Rosamund hadn’t gotten together. Call it fate, destiny, or any other thing, but for whatever reason, even if it was so Maggie could be here, you and Rosamund were supposed to be together when you were.”

I was stunned by what she was saying, how she looked at Rosamund’s and my relationship. “You really feel that way?” I almost whispered.

She nodded with a hint of sadness in her eyes. “I’ve thought many times about what would have happened if our prom night had been different, but as bad as we both were talking about and showing how we felt, I don’t think things would have worked out. As much as I wish that I hadn’t had to deal with Rosamund and witnessed the pain that she caused you, Peter, and me, I can’t ignore the fact that partially because of her, we’re here, talking about how we feel; something that wouldn’t have happened several years ago.”

I nodded, knowing that she was right. “I think Peter had something to do with that too.”

 She looked sadly down at the table for a moment before nodding.

I watched her for a moment, noticing the pained expression that was on her face. “Did you love him?”

She quickly looked up at me concerned for a moment and then took a big breath. “I love Peter, but I wasn't 'in love with him,' although at one point I thought I was. It was because of him though that I realized that I was fooling myself and he even admitted that he had tried to fool himself. We did the same thing you said you did; we tried to not acknowledge what we were feeling and also tried not to feel.  We deceived ourselves for a while about what we were doing.”

“What do you mean?”

She looked away, obviously embarrassed. “He tried to convince me that I still had feelings for you, that I was. . .in love with you. . .but I was convinced he was wrong. I quickly realized that he had been right and I started to feel incredibly ashamed that I had feelings for you and you were married. That’s what convinced me that I needed to move out. As much as I wanted to be here for you and try to save you from Rosamund, I didn’t think I could live with myself if I had been even a small reason for your marriage failing. I fought every day to not do something that would come across the wrong way but I didn’t trust myself to keep doing that. That’s why there was so much tension between Peter and me and then eventually Rosamund, Peter, and me; because we all knew the real reason that Peter and I broke up. I never asked him not to tell you and I hate that Peter was put in the position of being in the middle sometimes. For whatever reason, he chose to not tell you what really happened.”

I knew why he had done it and I was sure she did too, even if she didn’t want to admit it. He had looked out for her and protected her; something that I couldn’t claim. “Peter’s. . .a better man than me. . .” I admitted and I completely believed it. He was. He had put her first even if it cost him his own happiness.

“Peter will find someone who can love him for who he is. I’m not that person.” She admitted and I  closed my eyes as I shook my head.

“I just don’t get it. . .” I started and then slowly opened my eyes to look at her. “Why?” I asked almost begging her to answer. “Why are you still here? Why haven’t you given up on me, on us?”

She lifted her hand and I noticed it was shaking slightly as she moved it towards mine. The moment she placed it on top of mine, she began squeezing it and as she looked into my eyes with her tear filled eyes, she answered me. “Because I love you, Jeff.”

She had pretty much said it moments before, but the weight of her saying it then hit me like a ton of bricks and all I could do for several moments was sit there and let the tears fall down my cheeks. I didn’t deserve her, or her love, and I didn’t deserve to have a second chance with her, but I had been given it. 

I quickly stood up and gently led her to do the same. As she stood up she didn’t look at me, instead she looked down at our hands, each holding onto the others. I let go of one of her hands and placed it under her chin to gently tilt it up so I could look into her eyes; her rich, tear filled, brown eyes and I gently stroked her wet cheek and said the words that had taken me too long to say. “I love you too, Star; and it would take me the rest of my life and another lifetime to tell and show you how much I do.”

She started to cry harder and I was almost knocked over when her body and lips forcefully crashed into mine. The shock I felt for a moment was soon replaced with the overwhelming desire to kiss her back. I had dreamed of this moment countless times but had convinced myself that it would never happen. With it now becoming a reality, the years of pent up feelings seemed to explode. Her lips were hungrily kissing mine and my lips were responding with as much hunger, and with each moment, the hunger for each other seemed to increase.  Her arms almost frantically wrapped around my neck while mine wrapped around her waist and pulled her even more into my body. The sensations that I felt from kissing her and holding her were ones that I had never experienced before and it felt like a part of my soul, one that I had forgotten about and lost long ago, was remembered and found.

The sound of Maggie fussing through the monitor brought us back to reality and we both slightly relaxed our arms so we could look at each other. “I’m sorry.” She said and blushed.

“Why?” I asked as I gently wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks.

“I didn’t intend to be so forceful. . .” She said with an almost shy smile.

I smiled down at her and placed my hands on either side of her waist. “You don’t have to apologize for that; I obviously didn’t mind.” I admitted and she chuckled. Maggie made another noise and I looked over at the monitor that was sitting on the kitchen counter. “I should check on her.” I admitted.

She nodded and we slowly let go of each other. I was sure that Maggie’s fussing was from her teething but I still needed to make sure.  I squeezed Star’s hand and then quickly made my way to the bedroom where I found Maggie trying to chew on her sleeve. I placed some numbing gel on her gums and decided to change into something more comfortable since it was getting late. Once I did that, I checked again on Maggie and she had fallen back asleep. I quietly walked out of the bedroom and noticed the plates had been cleaned up from the dining table and Star was nowhere to be seen. I opened my mouth to call for her but stopped as I heard her footsteps on the stairs. As I looked at her on the stairs, I smiled as I noticed that she had changed her clothes too and as she stepped onto the floor she chuckled. 

“Looks like we had the same idea. Is Maggie okay?” She asked.

I nodded. “Her gums were bothering her. You cleaned the dishes?” She smiled and I shook my head. “I would have done that.”

“You needed to take care of Maggie.” She said as she grabbed my hand and then led me to the couch and I placed the monitor on the side table. 

“What time is your design presentation?” I worried since I knew she had one the next day.

“It’s around noon and I finished it a couple of days ago, so you don’t have to worry that you’re keeping me from finishing it or from sleeping.” She smirked and I chuckled. “When’s your  Admin Law paper due?”

“It’s earlier than that; at eleven thirty. The nanny will be here a little before that though.”

She nodded, looked at the TV, and then back at me. “Since neither of us has to wake up early, we could sit here and watch a movie for a while.” She suggested. 

I agreed and after picking a movie we sat down on the couch. She placed her head on my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around hers. After several minutes, I noticed that her breathing started to slow and become deeper.

“Star?” I whispered and she didn’t move. I smiled as I carefully moved my arms and slowly lowered her head into my lap. As I looked down at her peaceful, sleeping face, I ran my fingers through her hair. “I love you, Star.” I whispered and gently kissed her forehead. She sighed as she continued to sleep, and as I continued to stroke her hair, I wondered if I was dreaming. Had we really just talked openly about how we felt about each other and really admitted that we loved each other? It seemed too good to be true, and I hoped that if I was dreaming, that I never woke up.