Chapter Thirty Four: Plans and Admissions - Part Two

****Star****

The next morning we each had conflicting feelings about leaving our mountain retreat. We enjoyed having time to ourselves, but admitted that we were anxious to get back to Appaloosa to see Maggie. Halfway there, I noticed that Jeff stopped talking and I tried to patiently wait for him to tell me whatever he was trying to work through in his head.

“Maggie stayed at Robert and Regina’s last night.” His statement startled me; not because I was shocked from her staying with them, but from his sudden outburst of the information.

I nodded. “I’m sure she had fun.” I offered, hoping that it would help him reveal the reason for his declaration. The car filled with silence instead and I tried to remain patient as I waited for him to continue, occupying myself by watching the scenery that passed by my window.

“They’re bringing her to Mom’s and should arrive there soon before we do.” He finally continued his thought and I glanced over at him. I knew he still wasn’t thrilled that I wanted to talk to them alone, but by him mentioning that they would be at the ranch when we arrived I also knew that he’d accepted that I wanted to do it.

“Do you think that it would be better to talk to them there, rather than going to their house?” I hadn’t imagined having the conversation at the Hobble Ranch but the idea was more pleasing.

He quickly nodded. “Yes.”

“And you promise to stay out of the room, and not listen from the hallway?” I hinted. His head slowly turned and he studied me for a moment before turning his attention back to the road. The slow slump of his shoulders and sigh signaled that I thwarted his plan and he gave his complete surrender.

“Yes.” He whispered and I reassuringly patted his leg.

An hour later we pulled up to the ranch gate and the sight of Robert and Regina’s car on the other side made my stomach start to do flips. I completely believed that the impending conversation needed to happen, but as the time drew near I couldn’t stop my nerves from wreaking havoc on my stomach. Once Jeff parked the car, he hurried over to my door and the reassuring squeeze he gave my hand as I exited surprised me. I realized then that I must have done something for him to know that I was nervous.

“Look, Maggie! They’re here!” Amanda’s voice interrupted any thoughts that Jeff was about to voice and we turned our attention to the door. She walked out of the house while holding Maggie and the smile she gave us as we walked towards them made my heart feel like it might burst. She squirmed in Amanda’s arms as she tried to turn around and held out her arms towards Jeff as he rushed over to grab her.

“Maggie Pie!” He gushed as he hugged and kissed her. “We missed you!” He said right as I joined him and she immediately looked at me and held her arms out. The completely happy and tender smile that Jeff gave me as he released Maggie into my arms convinced me that my heart would indeed burst from my chest at any moment.

“Did you start walking while we were gone?” I playfully asked once I held her and she giggled at me.

“No, but I swear it won’t be long.” Amanda admitted and I looked up to see that my Mom, Chuck, Robert and Regina had also ventured out of the house. I hoped that as we each greeted each other that there wasn’t any awkwardness on my part, worrying that my nervousness would make them believe that I had an issue with them, and it reaffirmed the reason for the pending conversation.

Amanda ushered everyone back into the house and I almost immediately handed Maggie back to Jeff. I didn’t dare look at him as I did, afraid that his expression would extinguish the small flame of bravery that was left, and instead turned my attention to Robert and Regina. I discreetly asked to talk to them in the living room and as I began to follow them, I glanced one last time at Jeff and Maggie, not knowing what I’d see when I did. His nod and the reassurance I saw in his eyes gave me the boost of confidence I needed to continue into the room and I vaguely noticed Jeff leading his parents away as I sat down on the couch opposite of Robert and Regina.

Chapter Thirty Four: Plans and Admissions - Part One

This chapter is NSFW! Thanks for reading!

****Jeff****

The hilly grounds of ASU eventually transitioned into the mountainous landscape of Mountain Falls and with each passing mile, Star grew more and more anxious to learn where we were going. In all honesty, I had never been to our destination either. When I first mentioned to Mom and Dad that I wanted to propose to Star while the family was at ASU for her graduation, I eventually admitted that it would be nice to take her away for the weekend. Of course they’d known of a great spot and gave me the number of a friend of theirs who owned a home that would be perfect. After several phone calls and emails I decided it would be perfect. But as I slowed down and turned to pull the car up to the gate, I realized that the pictures hadn’t done it justice.

The normal beauty of the house was magnified by the glow that the setting sun cast on it and the shocked gasp I heard from the seat next to me made a slow, satisfied grin appear on my lips. Not being able to keep from giving into my curiosity, I turned my head and watched her blink her eyes in disbelief as she took it all in.

“Here? We’re staying here?” She asked, finding her voice after several moments of stunned silence. “How did you ever find such a place?” Her disbelieving eyes met mine, causing me to chuckle.

“I’ll give you one guess.” I teased her. It didn’t take her long to start nodding and a light laugh escaped from her lips.

“I’m guessing from the surprised expression you’re trying to hide that you’ve never been here, so I’d have to say your Mom and Dad told you about it.” She said matter-of-factly. I nodded my agreement, even though I didn’t need to since she was more than convinced that she was right. A satisfied smile appeared on her lips as she turned her attention back to the house and I reached out the window to enter the gate code. The loud buzz was soon followed by the slow opening of the gates and I let the car ease into the driveway, stopping right in front of the two story windows that lined the front of the house.

I quickly put the car in park and rushed over to the passenger side door. The second she stepped out of it, she turned around and first looked through the massive windows at the inside. Their escaping glow highlighted areas close to the house, tempting her to catch glimpses of the outside, but with each passing minute it became harder and harder to see as the sun continued to disappear.

I moved closer to her, wrapping my arms around her waist. “We’ll have to explore the outside tomorrow.” I whispered in her ear. Her sudden squirming caused me to loosen my grip and she whirled around, placing her hands on my chest as she looked up at me. There was a tenderness in her eyes that I hadn’t expected and I couldn’t ponder about for very long since she once again surprised me, that time with the suddenness of her kiss.

Her soft, warm lips made any other thoughts leave my mind and once the initial shock wore off, I placed my hand on her back and pulled her closer. It wasn’t a very long kiss, or even the most passionate, but it still made me feel lightheaded and made my heart race like all of her kisses did. My mind started to clear again when she pulled her lips away and my wonderment continued as her sweet smile returned.

“Thank you.” She whispered and I held her closer, hugging until a chilly breeze tickled my skin.

Chapter Thirty One: It's Our Time

****Jeff****

We had stood at that very same spot hundreds of times in the last twenty one, almost twenty two years. Sometimes we had wondered if we would get in trouble after walking through the front doors; like the time Mom and Dad had told us to stay away from the water troughs and I accidentally fell in. We had stood at that spot with water dripping off of me wondering if we could keep the truth from them, eventually realizing that we couldn’t and had marched in to face the music. Then there had been times we stood there wondering if we could sneak in and grab a snack, usually Mom's cookies, and had developed complex strategic strikes to get said cookies; more likely than not succeeding in our mission. But none of those times had produced the uncertainty, nervousness, and feelings of excitement that the present moment did.
 

"My Mom's going to freak." Star finally broke our silence as she stared at the front door.

"Yup." I kept looking straight ahead at the house and expected a mob of excited family members to converge on us at any moment.

"You're Mom's going to freak."

"Mmmhmm." I agreed.

"My sister is going to flip."

"Definitely."

She turned and looked at me. "Your sister. . ." She started but didn't finish.

". . .I know." I slowly turned to look at her and smiled before placing my hand in hers. We both took a deep breath like we had always done as kids before we faced things together. "It'll be fine. They'll freak out, and then it'll blow over. . ." I said not sounding very convinced. 

She quickly laughed, a sound that especially now filled my heart with joy. "How many times have I heard that before. . .it'll all blow over. I should have started collecting nickels from you every time you did." She teased me and I shrugged while grinning.

"Kind of like you and Hey Jeff, watch this!" She playfully punched my arm and I chuckled. "Truth hurts, huh? How many times did you hurt yourself after you said those words?"

"Hysterical. That's what you are. . .absolutely hysterical." She playfully rolled her eyes and then glanced back at the front door. I watched her face for a moment as different emotions flashed across it.  Her mind had always processed things quickly and she could jump from one thought to the next in blinding speed. Most people missed the subtle changes in her expression and had no idea that her calm exterior hid a flurry of thoughts and reactions; the slight drop of her gaze, the brief flare of her nostrils, or even how her lips barely twitched all provided clues that she felt nervous. I gave her hand a squeeze and she turned to look at me again as I gave her a reassuring smile.  The intense glare in her eyes softened and the smile that appeared first on her lips, quickly traveled across her whole face. Satisfied that she felt less nervous, I squeezed her hand one last time before letting go and reached into the car to get Maggie. 

"I'm surprised no one’s come out to welcome us." I commented as we started walking to towards the door.

"We are early. . ." I nodded and agreed with her possible explanation. Maggie had woken early, and since we had already packed for our trip, we decided to head home a little earlier than planned.

"Still, Mom has always had this uncanny ability to know when we had company; even if we didn’t expect it." We briefly stopped in front of the door and when no one opened it, Star reached for the knob and we walked into the hallway. I quickly turned my head and checked each direction but still saw no sign of anyone. Four adults,  two children and two toddlers lived there, Star's parents should have also been there since Mom had mentioned having both of them over for breakfast. . .the house should have been bustling with activity but it was quiet, too quiet.

Chapter Thirty: Honesty

Like many chapters, this one was partially inspired by a song and of course I'm providing it for you to listen if you'd like. Y'all, thank you for being patient! This chapter and the ones following should have been published months ago but life got in the way. I hope you enjoy finally seeing these two together. :)

 

 


****Star****

As my eyes started to flicker open I saw the white stone and brick of the fireplace, and for a moment it confused me. I tried to think through the sleepy fog and slowly started to put the pieces together; I could see the fireplace, which meant that I had fallen asleep on the couch, but I had no memory of doing that. As I continued to groggily become aware of my surroundings, I started to notice how stiff my arm felt from lying there and as I thought about moving it, I was shocked by the realization that the hand which belonged to that arm was resting on another. . .it was at that moment that I completely woke up. My eyes slowly moved from the fireplace to his hand and I felt a smile slowly creep across my lips as I studied it for a moment.  

My hand seemed to dwarf his and the realization caused me to flash back to the night before and I remembered how those same large hands had gently held mine and had tenderly wiped the tears from my face.  I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined what it would feel like for his massive hands to hold me close and to lovingly caress my body. Until recently I would have tried to stop such a fantasy from entering my head, and if it had, I would have felt such unbelievable guilt and would have beaten myself up about allowing it to enter my mind.  

I would sometimes remind myself that it wasn’t wrong to have those thoughts; when I imagined being so close to him that I could feel every muscle in his body, and as I felt his chest rise and fall from breathing, I became very aware of the closeness of our bodies. I noticed how his curved around mine and how safe I felt, how our bodies seem to fit perfectly together as we lie there, how his arm wrapped protectively around my waist. I may not have remembered what it felt like to fall asleep next to him, but I then knew what it felt like to wake up with him and I didn’t want to spend another night apart. But how did I tell him that? How did I admit to him, the person I had yearned to be with for so long, that the thought of being separated from him even for a minute caused so much pain that it literally made my heart hurt? I still had so many unanswered questions and uncertainties when it came to us that I wondered if such a declaration would push him away, especially if he didn’t feel the same.

I shook my head knowing that those had been some of the same thoughts that had kept me from talking to Jeff about my feelings. I had hoped that if the time ever came that we talked, that the uncertainty and fear would completely disappear. I should have known better; one night of admissions didn’t erase years of uncertainty.  We had made a start, and talked about things that we needed to talk about; but we had barely skimmed the surface. I knew from therapy that my emotions ran deep when it came to what happened between him and me and how I felt about him, and I felt certain that the same held true for Jeff. It would take time to sort through those feelings but I hoped that we could do that, together.

All I had to do was remember our kiss to prove the depth and strength of our emotions. After he had told me he loved me, I had been overwhelmed from actually hearing it and had barreled into him, unable to hold in the feelings that I had felt for so long. After his initial shock, he had responded in the same way and for a brief moment, we had fully connected. Our thoughts, desires, and bodies were in harmony and it felt glorious. As it ended though, the uncertainty had returned and I worried that my reaction had been way off, even though he had responded the same way. It was a constant battle that raged inside me; on one side laid all my dreams and desires that screamed out and wanted to break free, but on the other lay the worry and doubt that always threatened to silence them.

I knew that in order for my worries and doubts to lessen we needed to really talk and be completely honest about our fears and the scars that had formed on our hearts, but I also knew that thinking about doing that scared the crap out of me.

I froze as I suddenly felt his arm that had been resting around my waist move slightly and soon felt his breath on my neck as his face nuzzled into it. "Morning." He whispered and his breath and hairs from his beard caused a tickle to travel from the spot on my neck down my back, and I was surprised to hear a small giggle escape from the sensation. He chuckled and I turned around to look at him and his expression instantly changed from a sleepy smile to his brows coming together and his lips curving down. "What's wrong?" He asked.

I didn’t even have time to tell him good morning before he had sensed that something seemed wrong.  I started to panic, wanting more time to think about how to approach talking about. . .everything. " Why would you think something's wrong?"  I purposely didn’t answer his question and tried to stall for more time.

He smirked and raised an eyebrow at me. "Because even though there are times that I don't know what's going on in your head, I've known you for almost twenty two years and I know that look in your eyes. You're worrying about something."

Chapter Twenty Seven: A Ray of Sunshine: Bridge

****Star****

I looked down at the phone in my hand and fought with myself about what I should do. It had been three weeks since that morning and things couldn’t have been any more of a mess. Peter was furious with Jeff, something that I was still trying to understand; I was still jumping at every sound and finding it hard to focus, which wasn’t a good thing since school had started. But what had me the most concerned was Jeff. He had met with Rosamund’s parents a week after that morning and ever since then, he had hidden away in his room. The only time I had seen him was when he had gotten his stitches out. That had been a week ago and the only way I knew that he was still okay, was that Maggie wasn’t crying hysterically and every once in a while, I would hear him close his door or there would be evidence of him making a bottle in the kitchen.

I had tried several times to beg him to come out or to let me in but he never answered me. Part of me understood that maybe he needed time alone to sort out what had happened, but then there was a part of me that worried that for the better part of two weeks, he hadn’t really emerged from his bedroom. I knew he was hurting and he didn’t want to talk to me and I had tried to get Peter to talk to him but he had scoffed at the idea. 

As each day had passed, I worried more and more about him being locked in his room until I had finally reached the point where I was at that moment; holding my phone wondering if I should call the only person I could think of that could help him. I knew he would be mad at me for butting in, but I was to the point that my worry for him was greater than my concern about him getting mad.

I took a big breath and selected the number and as I listened to the ringing, I started to once again question if I was making the right decision.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Bridge?”

“Oh, hi Star!” She suddenly got quiet and very serious. “What’s wrong? Something’s wrong isn’t it? You wouldn’t be calling me if there wasn’t. . .”

I sighed. “He’s locked himself and Maggie in his room, Bridge. And I know that he’s upset and embarrassed, and who knows what else, but it’s been over three weeks. . .He came out to get his stiches removed and then he went right back to locking himself away.”

“Is he taking care of Maggie?” She wondered.

“That I can tell, yes. But I have to wonder about himself. I know he’s not eating much, there’s hardly any food missing from the fridge and he spends so little time outside the room, he doesn’t have time to make himself anything.”

“Shit.” She sighed. “I worried he’d do this, since he holds stuff in.” She paused for a moment. “And you’ve tried to talk to him?”

“Yes, repeatedly. I’ve begged him to come out. I just don’t know what else to do. . .”

“I’ll be there in the morning. I need to see if Mom can watch my four during the days while Carson’s at work. I’m sure she’ll agree, but I need to make sure everything’s in order here before I travel there.”

“Okay.”

“And Star?”

Chapter Twenty Six: Me and My Maggie Pie

 ****Jeff****

Several days after the incident, I had to beg Mom and Bridge to leave. They had hovered over me and while I understood their concern, I just wanted to try to move past what happened; something that seemed impossible while they were there. It felt like one of them was waiting around every corner of the house, watching and waiting for any sign that I would lose it or break down. What I needed was time alone and to get that, they had to leave. I had pretended to be better that I was in hopes that they would decide to leave, and finally after three days, the day of their departure had arrived. But as they were packing their belongings in the car, Mom was fretting over me again.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay?” Mom wondered. “I’m worried about you.” She placed a hand on my arm and furrowed her brow with worry.

“I’m fine, Mom. It’s okay.” I lied; hoping that she wasn’t aware that I was.

“You’ll call if you need something?” She asked and I nodded.

“Plus, Star and Peter are here. . .” I added and she seemed to be happy with that information.

“That goes for me, too. If you need anything Jeff, you can call me too.” Bridge offered and I nodded as I looked at the ground. It had been bad enough that Mom had been there when everything had happened, but Bridge. . .That caused me to feel even more ashamed than almost anything. I had always looked up to her and wanted to make her proud. What I had allowed to happen days ago and what had led up to it was something that I didn’t know if I would ever stop feeling ashamed about.

“You two should get going.” I suggested as I looked back up at them. They both had an unsure expression and I knew that the only way that they were going to leave was for me to act like I was okay. “I’m fine. Really.  I’m still sore and still in shock a little, but I’m okay.” They both reluctantly nodded.

“You promise? You’ll call if you need anything?” She begged as we hugged.

“Yes. I promise.” She pulled away and touched my cheek before moving to the side so Bridge and I could say goodbye.

“Don’t think you’re fooling me.” She whispered in my ear as we hugged. “Please, Jeff, don’t try to hold this in. . .you need to eventually talk to someone about this.” She tried to convince me and I once again found myself lying.

“I know. I will eventually.” She looked at me and I could tell that she didn’t believe me but she squeezed my hand and nodded. They slowly got into the car and waved as the car inched its way down the street. I unenthusiastically waved after them and once the car was out of sight, I walked up the stairs and quietly stepped into the house.  When we had gone outside to say goodbye, no one had been downstairs so I was surprised when I turned around and saw Star in the kitchen.  

Chapter Twenty Five: The Final Act of Desperation

This chapter is a little shorter than others, but sometimes big things come in small packages. ;) Thanks so much for reading!

****Jeff****

I was awoken around seven by a noise and I sat straight up and my heart raced as I frantically looked around the room. I sat perfectly still as I stared at the door, wondering if I was soon going to see Rosamund barge through it. I felt relief wash over me as I heard Maggie making sucking noises from her crib and I smiled as I got up from the bed. As I reached the crib, I looked down and watched her thinking that she had to be the most beautiful baby girl on the planet.

I was about to pick her up when heard my phone notify me that I had a new test message and headed to the nightstand to check it. I prayed that it wasn’t Rosamund and was relieved when I saw that the message was from Mom.

Should be there in the next two hours. Cant’ wait to see you and Maggie!

I stood blankly looking at the text. After the fiasco a couple of hours ago, I had completely forgotten that Mom was coming to visit. What was I going to tell her? How would she respond? I had never heard Mom complain like others that I had married Rosamund, but in the last year I could tell that even she thought it hadn’t been the wisest decision. Would she tell me that now? How would others respond? Would they pity me or would they say they told me so about her?

Maggie made another noise and I looked down at her. It was about time for her feeding and I needed to get her a bottle. I quickly put on a shirt and then picked her up. As I walked out to the kitchen I didn’t hear any indication that either Star or Peter was up and I was again relieved since I really didn’t want to see anyone at that moment. 

I stood in the kitchen as I waited for the bottle to heat up and my thoughts went to Mom and how I wished that she wasn’t coming; all I wanted was to be alone with Maggie and to shut out the rest of the world. I knew that wasn’t going to be possible once Mom got there though; I hurriedly heated up the bottle and rushed to the bedroom, hoping to get some time to collect my thoughts before Mom showed up. Right as I opened the door, I heard footsteps starting to come down the stairs and I promptly closed and locked the door.

****Star****

I started to walk down the stairs and thought I heard Jeff’s bedroom door. As I peeked around the corner I saw the door closing and then heard it lock. To say I was relieved would have been an understatement. I knew how uncomfortable Jeff was going to be around us after what happened hours ago, and to be honest, I was going to be uncomfortable; some of the exchanges that had occurred were more than embarrassing for me. The actual reason why Peter and I broke up hadn’t been revealed, but it was obvious now that it somehow involved Jeff. It had to have been since the three of us knew and he didn’t. But with all that had happened, I wasn’t sure if Jeff had caught on to that or if he was too engrossed in what he had gone through to notice.

Chapter Twenty Four: Seeing For the First Time

So I left you wonderful readers with quite the cliffhanger for a couple of months. . .Sorry! It's been challenging to figure out how to write both this story and Listening after school started. I also had Rosamund overload. . .I can only take so much of her. lol! Hopefully, I'll be able to publish chapters on a more frequent basis. Thanks for your patience! Hope this was worth the wait! ;)

 

****Jeff****

Right before the pizza arrived I noticed that Rosamund had come out of the bedroom. I had never heard her come out and wondered how long it had been since she had come out. She walked over to where I was and looked down at Maggie laying in the bassinet. “I’m sorry that I got upset earlier. My emotions have just been all over the place lately.”

I nodded. “I should have told you that Star and Peter were going to be here. I just didn’t want to upset you before we got home.”

“I know. It’s okay.” I heard a door slam and I saw Peter come out of the doorway that led to the rooftop. He walked past us and started to go up the stairs.

“I thought you were hungry?” I called after him.

“I lost my appetite.” He said as he continued to walk up the stairs and I then heard him slam his door.

I looked at Rosamund and then over at Star. “What’s up with him?”

Chapter Twenty Three: A Proposition

So sorry it has been so long since I posted a new chapter! Real life craziness got in the way.

Lots of pictures in this one since there is quite a bit of dialogue.

Thanks so much for being patient and thank you for reading!

 

 ****Star****

As soon as Jeff walked back into the room I turned to walk out of the hospital. I thought that maybe if I acted fast enough I could make it out of the building and not have to talk to him. I had just exited the doors and thought I was home free when I heard his voice behind me. 

“Star, wait.” I really didn’t want to stop. The last thing I wanted to do was to talk to him. We had gone this long without talking so why couldn’t we continue to not talk to each other. “Star, will you please stop and talk to me?” Part of me wanted to keep walking and another part wanted to stop and listen to what he had to say. I would have much rather listened to the part of me that wanted to keep walking but my brain and legs wanted two different things, and even though my brain was telling my legs to keep walking, my legs didn’t want to listen and I found myself stopping just short of my car. The one thing they didn’t seem to want to do was turn around.  So we stood there in silence, not looking at each other for what felt like eons. 

“Star. . .Can you please turn around and look at me?”

“Why?”

He sighed. “Just, please turn around.”

I slowly turned around but I didn’t look at him. “What?”

“What? Star, is there really no way that we could try to get along?”

I looked at him. “Didn’t we just do that?”

“Yes, but. . .I mean without other people around.”

I shrugged. The truth was that I felt horrible about what had happened between Peter and me, because he had been right about how I felt about Jeff. Ever since the day we broke up I had been feeling guilty about everything; about how Peter’s and my relationship ended, how I felt like I unintentionally led him on, how I had been so stupid to not even realize my own feelings towards Jeff,  my married best friend. 

“I’m just, I’m so sorry, Star. I wish things were different, that somehow we all could have avoided this.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Peter.”

He looked stunned. “Umm. . .yeah I do. I said several things on Christmas Eve that was way out of line.”

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.” I admitted and closed my eyes.

“Star, you don’t. . .”

“. . .Have to admit that you were right? Why not. It’s the truth and it’s why I have to move out. I know Rosamund knows. I don’t know how, but she looks at me differently now. Before it was like she was trying to figure out for sure if I had feelings for Jeff, but now, it’s like she knows; and I swear she’s trying to make me feel uncomfortable.  Which, she should since after all, I do have feelings for him.”

“Now that you mention it, I’ve kind of gotten that same impression.” I figured that if we both thought that, then she must somehow know. I just wanted to scream. Every one of our lives was a mess. Jeff’s because he had allowed himself to fall for Rosamund, me because I couldn’t get over my feelings for Jeff, and Peter’s because he had gotten in the middle of this mess, which was my fault. “What is it Star?”