Chapter Thirty Four: Plans and Admissions - Part One

This chapter is NSFW! Thanks for reading!

****Jeff****

The hilly grounds of ASU eventually transitioned into the mountainous landscape of Mountain Falls and with each passing mile, Star grew more and more anxious to learn where we were going. In all honesty, I had never been to our destination either. When I first mentioned to Mom and Dad that I wanted to propose to Star while the family was at ASU for her graduation, I eventually admitted that it would be nice to take her away for the weekend. Of course they’d known of a great spot and gave me the number of a friend of theirs who owned a home that would be perfect. After several phone calls and emails I decided it would be perfect. But as I slowed down and turned to pull the car up to the gate, I realized that the pictures hadn’t done it justice.

The normal beauty of the house was magnified by the glow that the setting sun cast on it and the shocked gasp I heard from the seat next to me made a slow, satisfied grin appear on my lips. Not being able to keep from giving into my curiosity, I turned my head and watched her blink her eyes in disbelief as she took it all in.

“Here? We’re staying here?” She asked, finding her voice after several moments of stunned silence. “How did you ever find such a place?” Her disbelieving eyes met mine, causing me to chuckle.

“I’ll give you one guess.” I teased her. It didn’t take her long to start nodding and a light laugh escaped from her lips.

“I’m guessing from the surprised expression you’re trying to hide that you’ve never been here, so I’d have to say your Mom and Dad told you about it.” She said matter-of-factly. I nodded my agreement, even though I didn’t need to since she was more than convinced that she was right. A satisfied smile appeared on her lips as she turned her attention back to the house and I reached out the window to enter the gate code. The loud buzz was soon followed by the slow opening of the gates and I let the car ease into the driveway, stopping right in front of the two story windows that lined the front of the house.

I quickly put the car in park and rushed over to the passenger side door. The second she stepped out of it, she turned around and first looked through the massive windows at the inside. Their escaping glow highlighted areas close to the house, tempting her to catch glimpses of the outside, but with each passing minute it became harder and harder to see as the sun continued to disappear.

I moved closer to her, wrapping my arms around her waist. “We’ll have to explore the outside tomorrow.” I whispered in her ear. Her sudden squirming caused me to loosen my grip and she whirled around, placing her hands on my chest as she looked up at me. There was a tenderness in her eyes that I hadn’t expected and I couldn’t ponder about for very long since she once again surprised me, that time with the suddenness of her kiss.

Her soft, warm lips made any other thoughts leave my mind and once the initial shock wore off, I placed my hand on her back and pulled her closer. It wasn’t a very long kiss, or even the most passionate, but it still made me feel lightheaded and made my heart race like all of her kisses did. My mind started to clear again when she pulled her lips away and my wonderment continued as her sweet smile returned.

“Thank you.” She whispered and I held her closer, hugging until a chilly breeze tickled my skin.

“We can’t explore the outside, but the inside. . .” I hinted and her arms squeezed me one last time as she smiled up at me.

“By the size of it, that might take a while.” She smirked as she looked back at the illuminated windows. I closed my hand around hers and led the way up the stone stairs, smiling as the side of my finger rubbed against the ring that I had given her hours before.

The house had a rustic feel that I liked and also modern touches that I might not usually care for. It somehow worked together in the house, something that Star undoubtedly understood. My happiness about it was secondary to how she felt though. I let out a little sigh of relief when she started making pleased comments and sounds as we explored each level. There were three; one below the main and one above. The main level had a decent sized kitchen, family room, and dining area. The lowest level had two guest rooms and a large study with a cozy fireplace that Star took an interest in. By elimination, we figured that the upper level must contain the master. Star was the first to reach the top of the stairs and I smiled when I heard her excited gasp.

I came up from behind and held her as I looked at what I already knew had caused the surprised reaction. There were several things that I asked for when I decided on the house. One was that there be rose petals sprinkled around the bed and that candles be placed throughout the room.

“How many more surprises are there?” She asked, smiling and shaking her head at me.

I pretended to think about it and then shrugged. “Several.” I eventually admitted and interrupted her next question before she could ask it. “Are you hungry? You didn’t eat much at lunch.”

A smirk reappeared on her lips as she nodded. “You didn’t either.” She challenged. “Is there somewhere nearby that we can eat?”

“We don’t have to go out. There’s food in the fridge.” She shook her head and raised an eyebrow up at me, prompting me to explain. “We needed food, so I asked if the fridge could be filled.”

Her eyes danced with excitement as she thought of the possibilities. “Would one of the things you asked for be steak?” She hinted. I chuckled my agreement and after changing our clothes, we ventured back downstairs to make dinner that included steak, baked potatoes, and salad. 

I surprised her once again at dessert with a small cake and after some convincing, she agreed to let me clean up while she relaxed. Once all the dishes were cleaned, I walked back outside to the outdoor kitchen and removed the hidden bottle of champagne from the fridge. When I mentioned having it, the owners of the house informed me that there was a second fridge outside that they offered to hide it in. I was glad they had since I hadn’t originally planned on Star helping me make dinner that night. She always accused me of being able to convince her to do things, but she had just as much power with me.

Once back in the kitchen, I poured some ice into a bucket, placed the bottle in it, and grabbed two glasses. After dinner, Star decided to go down to the study since we both agreed it looked cozier than the family room, and as I entered the room we both looked at each other, surprised by what we saw.

“You built a fire. . . and moved the coffee table.” I said as I sat the bucket and glasses down on the recently moved surface.

“You have champagne.” She countered from her position on the white, furry floor rug. I glanced up from the table and admired how the fire casted a glow on her that made her even more irresistible than she already was. The smile she gave me as she patted a spot next to her made my stomach feel like it did a flip and I set about turning off the lights before pouring each of us a glass of champagne.

She smiled sweetly at me as I handed her one of the glasses and sat down next to her. “One of your other surprises?” Her eyes twinkled as she teased me and I smiled back before setting my glass down on the hearth. It was our first moment to really relax after a long day, and when I turned back around, I saw her looking at her ring, something I hadn’t witnessed yet.

“Do you like it?” I asked not sure what I would do if she didn’t.

She quickly glanced up at me and I couldn’t remember a brighter smile appearing on her face. “I love it.” She whispered and I once again let out a small sigh of relief. “It looks almost like an antique.” She said as she continued to examine it.

I nodded and got more comfortable as I told her about it. “Soon after we returned from Appaloosa, I started looking at rings, but I wasn’t happy with any that I saw. They all looked the same to me.”

“I would’ve been happy with any ring you gave me, Jeff.” She reassuringly laid her hand on my chest and I nodded.

“I know, but I wanted it to be special.” I admitted and she started to lightly rub my chest, an act that threatened to distract me from telling the story. “So,” I willed myself to continue. “I started to look at antique rings, and I did find some that I thought were nice, but eventually I decided that there was only one way that I was going to obtain the perfect one.”

She reached over to grab her glass for another sip of champagne and raised an eyebrow at me, encouraging me to continue. “I eventually went to a jeweler where I knew they designed pieces and told them what I wanted.” She had just placed her glass back down on the hearth but my admission caused her to quickly turn her head to look at me.

“You designed it?” Her large eyes gave away her disbelief.

“I did, with a little help from the jeweler.” She immediately looked back down at it and lightly traced the design with her finger.

“I love it even more.” She whispered and briefly glanced up at me before returning her eyes to her ring. “Knowing that you put that much thought and time into it, and that it really came from you. . .I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect ring.”

My heart swelled from her words and wiped away any last bit of worry about it, allowing me to completely relax. I sunk even more into the lush, soft carpet and completely admired the scene in front of me. Everything was silent except for the occasional cracking and popping from the fire, and the light that it emitted was just enough to illuminate the parts of her that faced it. My gaze moved along those parts and instantly halted when I beheld her captivating eyes. They still admired her ring, but the fire intensified the amber glow of them and I couldn’t will myself to look away. Not that I wanted to. She was absolutely exquisite and I once again found myself wondering how that moment, or any moment of that day had become a reality. As if reading my thoughts, her glowing, amber eyes met mine and slightly squinted from the tender smile she gave me.  Something about her look made watching her not be enough; I wanted to hold her, wanted to reassure myself that all of it was really happening.

I sat up and wrapped my arms around her, encouraging her to lean against me and cradled her head against my chest. It wasn’t very long before her whole body relaxed and I wondered if she fell asleep.

“Star?”

“Mmm?”

I could tell from her response that she hadn’t completely fallen asleep, but knew from past experience that she easily could. I couldn’t remember how many times she’d rested her head against my chest and moments later I discovered she wasn’t awake. It was something I repeatedly wondered about but never seemed to find the opportunity to ask her.

“How do you fall asleep so fast?” I finally asked, not really sure if she would speak or lightly snore her answer.

“You’re heart.” She said more coherent than I expected.

“My heart?” Her head nodded against my chest and a hand began to rub over the part of me that belonged to her.

“That and you’re warmth. When I hear your heart beat, it calms me, slows my thoughts down.” I nodded knowing that it was rare when her mind didn’t work at lightning speed. “And I feel warm, and safe when you wrap your arms around me.” As she uttered the last words, her head lifted off of my chest and our eyes briefly met; just long enough to make my heart start to race from the longing I saw in them.

My head leaned against the soft touch of her hand on my cheek and I held my breath as her lips inched towards mine, waiting for the quiver that I knew I would feel from deep within when they completed their short journey. I closed my eyes right before feeling the tender caress of her lips on mine and let out a low moan when I felt the anticipated inner tremble. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to pull her body against mine but fought the urge. She had become more comfortable and confident when we made love and I didn’t want to do anything that would deter her from taking the initiative or setting the pace; even though her purposeful, slow and tender tempo drove me to the brink of insanity.

While her delicate lips continued to tease me, she shifted her legs around until she knelt in between mine and her hands took an excruciatingly long time to remove my shirt. The moment our lips parted I saw the hint of mischievousness in her eyes and instantly knew that her torture was intentional. I smirked up at her as she tossed my shirt to the side and anticipated the return of her lips. She instead seductively smiled at me and lowered her hands to my chest, gently pushing me down to the fluffy rug and it was only then that I again felt her irresistible lips on mine.

Her hands glided along my chest while mine traveled under her shirt and felt the fire warmed skin of her stomach. “You’re so warm.” I kissed into her neck and her hands pressed even more into my chest. “So are you.” Her whispered breath tickled my ear and I couldn’t stop myself from removing her clothes any longer. I willed myself to continue her deliberate pace as I removed first her shirt and then her bra, tossing them in the same direction that she did my shirt. Each of us helped the other remove their pants and once we were both naked, she wrapped her legs around my waist as we rolled onto our sides. My hands rested on her back and gently pulled her warm body closer to mine and she let out a satisfied sigh as our bodies pressed together, one that I would’ve echoed if my lips hadn’t already been trailing kisses along her neck and shoulder.

Our bodies soon shifted, her back resting on the carpet while I propped myself up on my elbow, trying to keep most of my weight off of her as my body partially lay on top of hers. My free hand began to glide along her soft warmed skin and teasingly moved along the top of one of her breast before giving in and caressing it. Her back arched as I continued to stroke the sensitive skin and her soft moans soon echoed through the mostly silent room. Her moans became louder when my mouth, after slowly planting kisses down her neck, collar bone, and in between her breasts, seized her nipple and her hands began to press against my back. I knew that was her way of begging me to end her longing, and after I tormented her a little longer, I somehow tore myself away to grab protection out of my previously tossed pants.

For a moment, I had second guessed it. When she noticed me pulling away from her, I heard the small, disappointed sigh that I wasn’t sure she knew I heard, and as much as I looked forward to the moment when we didn’t have to worry about it, I also briefly wondered when that would be.

She wrapped her legs around my waist when I returned to her, keeping me from escaping again and pressing my body even more against hers. It wasn’t long before both of our moans filled the room and as we each reached our moment of release, we moaned the other’s name.

As our panting slowed, I placed tender kisses on her lips until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Did you really say yes?” I whispered into her ear. I knew she had but every moment since had felt like a dream. She turned her body until we were facing each other and her lips tenderly smiled at me.

“Yes.” She whispered before briefly looking down at her hand that she placed on my chest. “I almost don’t want to go to sleep though.” I pondered her admission for a moment, eventually giving up trying to figure out what she meant.

“Why?”

Her hand lightly patted my chest as she peeked up at me. “Part of me is afraid that I’ll wake up and all of this will have been a dream.”

I pulled her completely against me and my arms gently squeezed her. “Even if it is, I would still ask you to marry me when we woke up.” I wholeheartedly admitted. Her slender arms wrapped around me and returned my squeeze.

“And I would still say yes.” My breath caught when I heard her words and several long moments passed with the crackling of the fire being the only sound before I noticed that her body felt limper.

I again cradled her head to my chest and lowered my lips to her ear. “Then go to sleep; knowing that no matter what tomorrow brings, I’ll still be here, wanting you.” She snuggled even more into my chest and in no time her breathing slowed. I completely savored the moment. The glow of the fire barely lighting the room and its relaxing sounds, holding her in my arms, knowing that she felt safe and calm, and that nothing would ever separate us from each other again.

****Star****

The sound of the fire was so soothing, and the heat of it warmed me to my bones. His arms wrapped around me, trapping the heat, and the birds started to sing a song. . .that kept going on and on, ruining the peaceful moment Jeff and I were sharing.

“Hush.” I tried to say, but it sounded more like a mumble to me than an actual declaration and I knew if I wanted the birds to hear me, I’d have to say it louder.

“HUSH!” I yelled and by body jerked awake. The birds were still tweeting and Jeff’s arms were wrapped around me, but sunlight replaced the glow of the fire and the soft, warm bed replaced the fluffy, white carpet.

“What were you dreaming?” He whispered in my ear as he pulled me even closer.

“I. . .” I tried to shake the remaining grogginess away and rolled over to face him. “We were downstairs, in front of the fireplace like we were last night. . .” A satisfied smile spread along his lips as he briefly reminisced about the previous night’s fireside happenings.  “. . .and the birds kept tweeting, ruining the moment.”

“Oh.” He said and a small, playful smirk appeared on his lips. “So you weren’t yelling at me?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Because I had just said ‘good morning’ right before you demanded a hush.” His small smirk turned into a teasing grin and I didn’t know if I should laugh at myself or feel guilty that for a moment, he believed my hushing was directed towards him.

“I would never tell you to hush.” I tried to reason with him, fully believing the statement as I said it, but once declaring it I realized that the truth of it was questionable. His raised eyebrow proved to me that he didn’t buy it.

“Really? Because I can remember several times that you have, especially when I’m right and you don’t want to admit it.” He teased and I wanted nothing more than to say “hush” to him then, but that would have proven him right.

“I would never say it first thing in the morning.” I clarified and he let out a satisfied chuckle. I anticipated even more teasing from him, but instead he lowered his lips to mine. While my dream had been amazing, until the birds interrupted it, I felt much more satisfied from feeling his real warm arms wrapped around me and a real kiss on my lips.

“Are you hungry? Breakfast is almost ready.” He asked soon after our kiss ended and I realized that he had dressed.

“You’ve been up long enough to make breakfast?” He nodded. “Why didn’t you wake me up? I would have helped.” I complained and he shook his head.

“Considering how little sleep we got last night, I thought I’d let you sleep in.” I smiled up at him as I remembered the remainder of the previous night. I had fallen asleep on his chest again, but eventually he woke me up so we could head upstairs. Any thoughts of going back to sleep were dashed though when we started to cuddle in the warm, plush bed and the downstairs activities were repeated.

My morning laziness ended as he planted one last kiss on my lips and helped me out of the bed. While he walked back downstairs to finish breakfast, I got dressed and by the time I made my way to the kitchen our food was waiting on plates. We sat in the dining room, enjoying the view as we ate waffles, drank coffee, and talked about what we could possibly do the remainder of the day, deciding to spend some time outside after cleaning up the dishes and getting ready.

Our venturing outside was slightly delayed by the extra-long shower that we took, and even though it was mid-morning by the time we set out, the temperature was still chilly. Thankfully Jeff packed several long sleeve shirts for both of us and we stayed relatively warm as we walked around.

The existence of a barn on one side of the house surprised me and Jeff explained that his parents had stayed there several times when they transported horses. It was a smaller barn, much smaller than the one on his parents’ ranch, and it didn’t take us long to explore it. We made our way to the back of the property and discovered a pool, each remarking how enjoyable it would be if the weather was warmer. On the opposite side of the house we found a large patio with furniture and an outdoor fireplace that we agreed would be cozy to sit in front of.

Once the fire blazed, I looked around at the seating and decided that the sofa looked comfortable, thinking that Jeff would join me when I sat down. Instead, he mentioned retrieving something from inside and I curled up on the seat, dividing my attention between the fire and a bunny that cautiously made its way through the nearby grass.  It scurried away when the door squeaked open and I anticipated Jeff sitting next to me. But as he walked in front of the sofa, he made no move to sit down and I soon noticed the envelope in his hand.

“What’s that?” I motioned to it with my hand and he silently held it out for me to take. The fact that he didn’t tell me what it was worried me and my mind began to race with possibilities. I cautiously took the envelope from him and glanced at the return address; Benedict University, the law school near Appaloosa that Jeff applied to. My stomach twisted into a knot as I reread the name, knowing that it revealed whether or not we would soon return to Appaloosa. “Did you get accepted?” I asked as he finally sat down next to me.

He shook his head and looked down at the ground. “I don’t know. I haven’t opened it.” I immediately looked down at the postmark date and was floored.

“They mailed this two weeks ago. You’ve had this then, for what, a week and a half?” He nodded. “Why haven’t you opened it?”

His eyes slowly met mine. “I figured that since it affects both of us, we should open it together, and I thought it would be nice to wait until after I proposed.” His reason made perfect sense to me but I didn’t think I should be the one to open it.

“It’s your letter, you should open it.” I argued and held out the envelope. He made no move to take it though, and we sat there at a standstill; my hand holding the envelope out and him staring down at it. My foot impatiently wiggled as I watched and listened for any sign of him giving in. He did nothing to alleviate my impatience though and I pressed my tongue up to the roof of my mouth in an attempt to not blurt out my escalating frustration.   When he finally moved, I felt a brief moment of satisfaction from seeing his hand reach up to mine, but exasperation soon followed when instead of taking the letter back, he shook his head and pushed my hand away.

“You open it and we’ll read it together.” I would’ve kept arguing with him about who should open it, but I desperately wanted to know what it said. I grudgingly gave in and turned the envelope over, holding my breath as I pulled the letter out. My hands carefully unfolded it and I quickly read the first several sentences:

Dear Jefferson,

Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you of your admission to Benedict University Law School. . . .

All of the anxiety I felt in anticipation of reading the letter melted away and I flung my arms around his shoulders, not even knowing if he’d read their decision. “So you’re still okay moving back to Appaloosa?” His voice sounded unsure and he slightly pulled away to look into my eyes. “If not, we can wait to see if I get accepted to any of the other schools I applied to.”

“No.” I shook my head. “Are you still okay moving back?” His uncertainty confused me and I worried that his uncertainty stemmed from him changing his mind.

“Yes. I think it’d be the best for all of us. We’ll be where we feel at home, and I know that as Maggie gets older I’d like to live closer to everyone so she’ll know her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.”

With our return to Appaloosa settled, relief swept over me from knowing that one piece of our future puzzle was in place, but it also brought another question to the surface, one that I had thought of many times in the past months as I wondered about our lives together. As we hugged again and I congratulated him, I couldn’t help but wonder about it; where exactly did I fit in where Maggie was concerned? I knew what I wanted, but worried that he and others wouldn’t agree. I tried to keep my worry from him as we prepared and ate lunch, but it weighed so heavily on my mind that when he offered to wash the dishes, I didn’t even try to argue with him. Instead, I walked upstairs and out on the bedroom balcony, hoping the fresh air would clear my mind and amusingly wished that the chirping birds could help me find the answer of how to start what I knew would be a difficult discussion.

“I thought you’d go down to the study.”  His voice cut through the sounds of the birds and my thoughts but instead of turning around, I closed my eyes and slowly filled my lungs. I knew that my time to mull over the subject was over and if he didn’t already know that I was anxious about something, he soon would and wouldn’t let it go until I told him. “You haven’t said much since we came back inside. . .” He hinted and revealed that he indeed noticed that something was bothering me. “If it’s about Appaloosa. . .” He started and I shook my head.

“It’s not.” I kept my eyes glued to the wood floor of the balcony as I slowly turned around to face him, finally peeking at him when I saw his shoes. The slight furrow of his brow was the only outward indication that he was concerned and as I opened my mouth to continue, I prayed that by the end of our discussion his expression wouldn’t turn to an upset one. “It’s about Maggie.” I cringed a little as I waited for his initial response.

“Maggie?” The concern instantly changed to worry and any hope I had of looking him in the eye went out the window. I tore my eyes away from him and looked at the nearest back corner of the balcony, taking one last deep breath in hopes of calming my nerves.

“Before yesterday, I was someone that she knew took care of her. But now. . .” I ventured a look at him, expecting to see an expression of complete confusion, but when his reassuring eyes met mine, it gave me a little more confidence in telling him. “I’m not sure what I’m going to be.” I finally admitted. “I know what I want to be to her, but it may be completely unrealistic and some may think inappropriate.”

He looked somewhat confused, but not angry. “What do you want?”

I didn’t feel like I could just come right out and say it, not without explaining why. “I love Maggie and I can’t imagine loving her more. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I never want her to question or be unsure of that.” I paused, trying to clear my head of any other thoughts than the one that I was about to communicate to him, hoping that I could clearly state what I felt. “I didn’t give birth to her, but I can’t help feeling like I’m. . .”

“Her mother.” I barely heard his whisper but when I realized he’d not only finished my thought but had also done so with a small smile, I let out a sigh of relief.

I nodded as I continued. “But I’m not, not technically, and I don’t want you, her, or anyone to wonder if I would love her more if I gave birth to her. I love her the way she is and wouldn’t change anything about her, even her real mom, because that would change the special person that she is.  And I also don’t want her to think there’s any difference between the children we have together and her, because in my mind, there wouldn’t be.” He carefully guarded his emotions but nodded, encouraging me to continue. There was nothing left for me to say though, except to answer his question about what I wanted to do. “I want to adopt her.”

He stood several feet away from me, completely rigid, and my mind started to race as I thought of why he hadn’t responded in some way. I glanced at the floor, pondering the possibilities of him being shocked or even that he didn’t know how to tell me how adopting her wasn’t possible. It was the suddenness of his movement that prompted me to look up, briefly witnessing his quick, purposeful strides towards me.  

The shock of feeling his body plow into mine and feeling his arms tightly wrap around me rendered me motionless. I stood as rigid as he had moments before and wondered if the emotions that I felt then, an overwhelming sense of relief and shock, were the same ones that had made him just as motionless. I eventually regained use of my arms and as I hugged him back, any lingering questions I had with regard to how he felt about me adopting Maggie were erased when I felt his body start to shudder. His crying instantly made me lose any control I had over holding my own tears in and our sniffles soon drowned out the outdoor sounds.

Eventually his body relaxed and his head lifted enough off my shoulder for him to whisper in my ear. “Do you know how amazing you are?” I didn’t know how to answer his question. To me, adopting Maggie was a given. I couldn’t envision any other future and it was why if he had opposed it, my heart would’ve broken.

“It’s not amazing, Jeff. It’s just what I want to do.” I finally answered him. He jerked his head back and held my face as he looked deep into my eyes.

“That, in and of itself is amazing. I never would’ve asked you to do it, adopt Maggie, and even if you never mentioned it, I wouldn’t doubt your love for her.”  The tenderness in his eyes was replaced with worry as he continued. “Did you really think I wouldn’t want you to adopt her?”

I quickly looked away. “I think I was more afraid that you’d tell me that there was some reason that I couldn’t.” I said; then really understanding what was behind my hesitancy in telling him.

He shook his head. “There isn’t.” He quickly assured me.

“What about Robert and Regina?” I whispered and revealed to him my other worry about possibly adopting Maggie.

He shook his head with even more force. “They don’t have any say.”

“They may not, but don’t you think they might worry about how it could affect their relationship with Maggie?” He thought about what I said for a moment before he slowly started to nod his head.

“It might.”

“I’m the person that Rosamund blames for your marriage ending. . .”

“Which isn’t true.” He interrupted and his brusque response made it obvious that he didn’t want to have that particular discussion.

“Even so, she’s made it clear that she thinks it was because of me. She must have told her parents in the last nine months.”

He made a disgusted face. “They know that her views on reality can’t be taken for truth.” He again curtly responded and I slowly filled my lungs with air, hoping to calm the rising anxiety.

“You honestly don’t think that they might, in some small way, believe her? Wonder if part of what she’s  told them is true?”

“But it isn’t.” He emphatically stated and tramped back into the bedroom, trying to end the conversation. I closely followed him and cursed to myself that our discussion had taken a turn that I had hoped it wouldn’t. But his refusal to honestly admit what happened made it impossible to continue with the adoption discussion.

“But it is, Jeff.” I bluntly admitted what he wasn’t willing to and he whirled around. He opened his mouth to speak but I knew if I let him I might never get a chance to say all that I wanted to on the subject. His ability to out debate and argue with people would make it almost impossible. “Her views on what happened may be skewed, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I was the other woman.” He quickly tried to conceal his shock by attempting to argue with me but I continued to keep his arguments at bay. “I was Jeff. Not in the sense that either of us gave into what we were feeling, but we each wished for it. You told me I was your hope during that time, and we’ve both admitted having feelings for each other.” He looked away and stared at a spot on the floor with such intensity, I believed he really could bore a hole in it. “She may not have a complete understanding or realistic view of what happened, but the fact that we had feelings for each other can’t be argued.”

He painfully closed his eyes and nodded. “But even so, they wouldn’t know that.” I was thankful that with his concession our debate somewhat returned to Robert and Regina.

“But in talking with her they might wonder about it, and then hearing that I want to adopt Maggie might make them worry about me trying to keep them away from her. . .” He sighed as he realized the truth of my statement and I cringed as I admitted the next part. “That’s why I want to sit down and talk to them, alone.”

 Within a millisecond his dislike of the idea was evident. His nostrils flared and eyes got huge as he violently shook his head. “Absolutely not!” 

“Why?”

“Because. . .” He pursed his lips as he tried to think of a reason. “It just. . .wouldn’t be a good idea.” He eventually offered.

“Why?”

“Because it wouldn’t!” He snapped and once again turned away.

“How else are they supposed to know that I wouldn’t influence you or Maggie about them being a part of her life?” I tried to reason with him.

He had started to pace and stopped. “I’ll tell them.”  

“So you don’t trust me then?” My accusation made him whirl around.

“Of course I trust you!”

“Then why don’t you want me to talk to them?!” I asked, completely exasperated that he wouldn’t answer me.

“Because I wouldn’t be there if you felt anxious, to help you, to. . .”

“Save me?” I finished for him and he sighed. The room was annoyingly silent as we stood staring at each other, each waiting for the other to give in.

“Is that wrong of me?” He eventually demanded.

It was my turn to sigh. “Do you trust Robert and Regina?” He nodded. “Do you think they would say or do something that was out of line?” He shook his head. “Do you really think I couldn’t handle the situation on my own?”

“I would just feel better if I was there.” He said with determination.

I stared at him for a moment, stewing on his words, furious that he wouldn’t just come out and say it. “So you don’t think I could handle it.” I flatly stated and started to march towards the stairs. His hand grabbed my arm right before I reached them and I forcefully yanked it away. “Don’t!” I snapped at him and turned back towards the stairs.

“Damn it, Star! What do you want me to say?!” I froze. It was rare that he raised his voice and even rarer that he swore. “Do you want me to admit that ever since that day that I worry about you?! That I have this uncontrollable urge to try to protect you from anything bad happening?! That I want to shield you from having to deal with anything that happened the last five years?!”

I slowly turned around and met his angry, pleading eyes. “It would be better than making me believe that I wasn’t capable of handling the situation.” His shoulders sagged as he let out a sigh. “Do you really think that I’m so fragile that I need to be protected from all of those things?”

He shook his head. “No; but I still can’t help myself from wanting to protect you.” He agonized.

I took a step towards him. “Jeff, if I didn’t want to deal with any part of the last five years, I wouldn’t be standing here.”

“I know.” He sighed as his shoulders sagged even more and I knew that I was finally starting to break through. “And I’m out of line, I know I am, but. . .”

“Do you trust me?” I interrupted, hoping that logic would get through to him and calm his fears.

“Yes.”

“Do you think I can handle it?”

He looked up at me and nodded. “Yes.”

“Then let me talk to them, alone.” I pleaded.

He slowly nodded as he gathered my hands in his. “I’m sorry I yelled, and made you believe that I don’t believe in you.” Every inch of his face displayed the anguish he felt and I knew that he was finally thinking logically about my request.

“I didn’t honestly think you didn’t believe in me, Jeff. And I know the reason you want to protect me is because you love me.”

He nodded. “I do love you, and trust you, and believe in you.” He released one of my hands and reached up to caress my cheek. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last twenty one years it’s that there’s nothing that you can’t do. Even when I’m an idiot and let my fears try to control me. . .and you.”

I moved my free hand up to his chest and gently rested it over his heart. “So I can talk to them, alone. . .and you won’t try to stop me?” I peered up at him, giving him a look that hinted at me continuing my argument, but his bowed head and small nod convinced me that it wasn’t needed. It was a short victory though. I might have convinced Jeff to let me talk to Robert and Regina alone, but the uncertainty about that future conversation made my stomach knot up and I wondered how I would survive it.

******

Continue to Part Two