Chapter Thirty: Honesty

Like many chapters, this one was partially inspired by a song and of course I'm providing it for you to listen if you'd like. Y'all, thank you for being patient! This chapter and the ones following should have been published months ago but life got in the way. I hope you enjoy finally seeing these two together. :)

 

 


****Star****

As my eyes started to flicker open I saw the white stone and brick of the fireplace, and for a moment it confused me. I tried to think through the sleepy fog and slowly started to put the pieces together; I could see the fireplace, which meant that I had fallen asleep on the couch, but I had no memory of doing that. As I continued to groggily become aware of my surroundings, I started to notice how stiff my arm felt from lying there and as I thought about moving it, I was shocked by the realization that the hand which belonged to that arm was resting on another. . .it was at that moment that I completely woke up. My eyes slowly moved from the fireplace to his hand and I felt a smile slowly creep across my lips as I studied it for a moment.  

My hand seemed to dwarf his and the realization caused me to flash back to the night before and I remembered how those same large hands had gently held mine and had tenderly wiped the tears from my face.  I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined what it would feel like for his massive hands to hold me close and to lovingly caress my body. Until recently I would have tried to stop such a fantasy from entering my head, and if it had, I would have felt such unbelievable guilt and would have beaten myself up about allowing it to enter my mind.  

I would sometimes remind myself that it wasn’t wrong to have those thoughts; when I imagined being so close to him that I could feel every muscle in his body, and as I felt his chest rise and fall from breathing, I became very aware of the closeness of our bodies. I noticed how his curved around mine and how safe I felt, how our bodies seem to fit perfectly together as we lie there, how his arm wrapped protectively around my waist. I may not have remembered what it felt like to fall asleep next to him, but I then knew what it felt like to wake up with him and I didn’t want to spend another night apart. But how did I tell him that? How did I admit to him, the person I had yearned to be with for so long, that the thought of being separated from him even for a minute caused so much pain that it literally made my heart hurt? I still had so many unanswered questions and uncertainties when it came to us that I wondered if such a declaration would push him away, especially if he didn’t feel the same.

I shook my head knowing that those had been some of the same thoughts that had kept me from talking to Jeff about my feelings. I had hoped that if the time ever came that we talked, that the uncertainty and fear would completely disappear. I should have known better; one night of admissions didn’t erase years of uncertainty.  We had made a start, and talked about things that we needed to talk about; but we had barely skimmed the surface. I knew from therapy that my emotions ran deep when it came to what happened between him and me and how I felt about him, and I felt certain that the same held true for Jeff. It would take time to sort through those feelings but I hoped that we could do that, together.

All I had to do was remember our kiss to prove the depth and strength of our emotions. After he had told me he loved me, I had been overwhelmed from actually hearing it and had barreled into him, unable to hold in the feelings that I had felt for so long. After his initial shock, he had responded in the same way and for a brief moment, we had fully connected. Our thoughts, desires, and bodies were in harmony and it felt glorious. As it ended though, the uncertainty had returned and I worried that my reaction had been way off, even though he had responded the same way. It was a constant battle that raged inside me; on one side laid all my dreams and desires that screamed out and wanted to break free, but on the other lay the worry and doubt that always threatened to silence them.

I knew that in order for my worries and doubts to lessen we needed to really talk and be completely honest about our fears and the scars that had formed on our hearts, but I also knew that thinking about doing that scared the crap out of me.

I froze as I suddenly felt his arm that had been resting around my waist move slightly and soon felt his breath on my neck as his face nuzzled into it. "Morning." He whispered and his breath and hairs from his beard caused a tickle to travel from the spot on my neck down my back, and I was surprised to hear a small giggle escape from the sensation. He chuckled and I turned around to look at him and his expression instantly changed from a sleepy smile to his brows coming together and his lips curving down. "What's wrong?" He asked.

I didn’t even have time to tell him good morning before he had sensed that something seemed wrong.  I started to panic, wanting more time to think about how to approach talking about. . .everything. " Why would you think something's wrong?"  I purposely didn’t answer his question and tried to stall for more time.

He smirked and raised an eyebrow at me. "Because even though there are times that I don't know what's going on in your head, I've known you for almost twenty two years and I know that look in your eyes. You're worrying about something."

I sighed knowing that my efforts to stall had failed and that he wouldn't let it drop until I told him. "Can I at least tell you good morning before I ramble on?" He chuckled again and nodded.  I looked into his incredible blue eyes and scanned his whole face, determined to have one blissful moment before I ruined the morning with my worrying. "Good morning." I said with a happy sigh which caused a huge grin to spread across his face and I once again tried to talk myself out of confessing the worries of my heart; not wanting to ruin the moment.

“Are you. . .” His grin slowly changed to a slight frown. “. . .Are you upset that we. . .” He cleared his throat and quickly looked away and then winced as he looked back again. “. . .slept on the couch together?”

I almost panicked since I felt the complete opposite. “No!” I quickly said as I violently shook my head and he smiled again. “But now that you mention it, how did that happen? The last thing I remember is watching the movie.” I asked as I sat up.

He nodded and started to explain as he sat up too. "We sat down and started to watch the movie but you fell asleep within the first five, maybe ten minutes. I wasn't very sleepy at that point so I placed your head in my lap while I continued to watch the movie. Although I did also watch you sleep for a while and ran my fingers through your hair." He admitted with a satisfied grin and I blushed as he continued. "I fell asleep sitting up and when I did wake up, you had turned the opposite direction. I moved to where you had and watched you sleep for a while before I must have fallen asleep again. I had planned on carrying you to your room but didn't make it. . .I'm glad you're not upset." He whispered as he touched my cheek and my heart started to race from the sensation of his hand gently touching me. He slowly pulled his hand away and his eyes instantly grew intense as his eyebrow cocked and he once again started to question me. "So if that's not it, what is?"

I sighed. "It's nothing huge, Jeff. I was just lying here thinking while you slept."

He shook his head. "I think we've both learned that nothing huge can turn into something huge if left unsaid. . .Can we agree, from here on out, to be honest with each other?" His plea for honesty shook and dumbfounded me since he had a similar thought to the one I had just minutes before; and with his plea I realized that I had done the opposite. We needed to move forward, not backward, something that would require courage from both of us. I looked back into his pleading eyes and finally stopped letting my worry rule over me.

I took a breath and slowly let it out before I started to blurt out everything; figuring that if I got it all out at once, I would be less likely to talk myself out of it. “I actually had the complete opposite reaction than the one you worried I had when I woke up next to you; and as I laid awake, I realized that I wanted it to continue, but I didn’t know how you would feel and if that’s not something you want to do, it’s fine.” I quickly added but silently prayed that he would want to. “And then I started to worry about not knowing what you would think and I realized that if there wasn’t so much that I was unsure of, that I would probably know what you would think. The only way that’s going to happen is if we really talk to each other. We started to last night but there’s so much more that we didn’t say that needs to be said; and I know we can’t just blurt it all out in one day, but I wish that we could at least know what the other is feeling.” I had confessed it all so fast that it made my head dizzy to think about and I completely lost my train of thought and  wondered if I couldn’t even keep track of my thoughts, how in the world could I expect him to.

“How long did you lay here awake?” He wondered and my shoulders sagged as I started to convince myself that he must have wondered what he’d gotten himself into. I felt his warm hands on mine and glanced at them before I slowly raised my eyes to meet his and as he started to speak, I felt one of his hands rub over mine. “So you want to sleep in the same bed?” He cautiously asked.

I started to worry about what to say and tried to think through possible ways to explain to him without sounding like a complete idiot. As I struggled to think of an answer he stood up and then gently pulled on my arms until I did too. I looked up and into his eyes and noticed that the expression on his face was one I hadn’t seen in a long time. It reminded me of how he used to look at me early on in high school whenever something had bothered me.  I had always given in and confessed my thoughts and feelings whenever he had looked at me with that open and understanding expression. 

As I looked at him, the uncertainty melted away and I once again took a big breath. “This may all still be new and like I said before, we have a lot to figure out, but if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that the thought of being separated now that we’re together. . .” I briefly paused as I felt a small pain in my heart. “I don’t want that.”

“I don’t either.” He immediately admitted and I let out a sigh of relief and for a brief moment I felt calm, until I thought about Spring Break.

“What do we do about Appaloosa?”

“What about it?”

I could only imagine having a conversation with my Mom where I tried to explain that Jeff and I slept together but not really slept together. It was beyond embarrassing to think about. “I would be forever embarrassed if I had to have that discussion with my Mom. . .” I said as I closed my eyes trying to block the image.

He nodded. “So while in Appaloosa we’ll sleep at our own parent’s houses?”

I bit down on my lip and felt torn about what to do. As I glanced down at the ground and agonized about my decision he grabbed my hands as he tried to reassure me. “I understand what you’re saying about giving our parents the wrong impression. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly worried about what your parents will think about us being together.”

His admission surprised me, and the thoughts about what to do about sleeping arrangements while we stayed in Appaloosa dashed out of my head. “My parents? You’re worried about what they’ll think about us being together?” He quietly nodded and I tried to think of why he would be worried. “Why?”  

He sighed and I noticed the hurt that had crept into his eyes. "I'm worried since they know just as well as my family what happened; they know that I acted like an idiot by not telling you how I felt, and they know how I had so little sense and married someone who tried to. . ." He couldn’t continue with his thought as tears welled up in his eyes, and he reached up to stroke my cheek with the back of his hand.

I cupped his face with mine and looked deep into his tear filled blue eyes. "Jeff. . .they don't blame you." He looked away and I began to wonder if he also thought that I did. "You don't think I blame you, do you?" He looked back at me and shook his head quickly back and forth.

"No."

"Do you blame yourself?"

Again, he shook his head. "No."

I couldn’t believe that he thought my family blamed him for what happened and I couldn’t bear to think of him going another minute thinking that they did. "Jeff, my family loves you and they realize the same thing that I do." He looked at me completely confused and I swallowed hard before I explained. "They know that if it wasn't for you. . .I probably wouldn’t be standing here. Did you ever read the police report?" He nodded. "Did you read the part where it said that if the targeted person. . .me. . .hadn't moved that the bullet more than likely would have hit me near or in the heart?" Tears streamed down his face as he nodded. "You saved my life Jeff. They know it and I know it." As I uttered the last three words my voice cracked and the tears that I had been holding back started flowing down my cheeks. 

He reached up and placed his hands on either side and looked into my eyes as if trying to reach way down into my soul.  I would have continued to look into his hypnotic eyes, but the sun started to shine through the front windows and a glimmer of sunshine shown on his face right on his scar. I became mesmerized by it and reached my right hand up. My fingers lightly ran along the now barely visible scar that hid under his beard, the always visible reminder of how he had saved my life. I often wondered what he thought when he saw it in a mirror, and as I studied it then, I once again found myself wondering. I still had a hard time coming to grips with it, and felt guilty that he had it. I continued to stare and caress the spot until he touched my hand with his and I glanced back into his eyes.

****Jeff****

I watched as her gaze shifted to the left side of my face and instantly knew what had grabbed her attention. Her hand slowly raised and I stood still as her fingers glided over the spot. At first, she had more of a curious expression, but the longer she caressed it the more her expression turned to hurt and that's when I grabbed her hand and attention. As her eyes locked back to mine I started to shake my head. "Don't..." I begged her in a barely heard whisper. "Don't ever feel bad about that." She looked away and tears once again started to flow down her cheeks. "Star. . .look at me." I said with a less shaky voice and she slowly turned her head but continued to look down at the ground. I placed a finger under her chin and bent my head down as I encouraged her again. "Look at me." I whispered and her eyes started to finally lift up to meet mine.

I continued in a firm but gentle voice. "I don't blame you for that and I will never be sorry that I have it; instead, I will always be grateful that instead of. . .something happening that would have caused me a lifetime of heartache, you're here and for a reason that only God knows, I'm able to hold you and tell you how much I love you." I cradled her face in my hands and pleaded with her. "Please. . .tell me you believe me.”

She closed her eyes and swallowed before looking back at me with tears continuing to cascade down her cheeks and silently nodded. I pulled her towards me and held her head against my chest, doing what I had yearned to do since the day of the shooting; protectively wrapping my arms around her to comfort her. Her arms instantly wrapped around my waist and I felt her collapse into my chest before her shoulders started to shake from weeping. I hugged her even tighter and rested my cheek on the top of her head as I also started to feel tears escape from my eyes. My heart ached from seeing her in so much pain and while some of my tears came from that, I also knew that some came from the relief I felt. I would always be relieved and grateful for this second chance with her and that we had started to be honest and had opened up to each other; but most of my relief came from the fact that she was standing there at that moment. 

As those thoughts invaded my mind, the reality of almost losing her overpowered me and even though I had thought that I had faced that reality before, I realized at that moment that I never really had. "Oh my God. . ." I breathed into her hair and squeezed her even more. ". . .I almost lost you." She turned her head and buried her face in my chest as she cried even harder and we clung to each other for what felt like hours; comforted by each other's closeness and touch. 

She eventually lifted her head from my chest and looked up at me and her eyes seemed to take in every inch of my face. I did the same, starting on her left cheek and noticed the tiny scar she had gotten when we were seven from a tree branch that she had accidently hit herself with when we had pretended to ‘sword’ fight outside her house. I moved to her chin that she had always complained was ‘too pointed,’ and couldn't stop myself from rubbing it with my thumb. She didn’t have a scar on her right cheek, but just like the left, tears had fallen down it and I gently wiped them away with my hands. My eyes then swept over her forehead and then rested momentarily when they met her eyes. I found myself then quickly glancing down at her lips as my thumb lightly brushed her lower one and I slowly bent my head down until my lips gently touched hers.

Just like the kiss the night before, I felt its effects through my whole body. The sensation of her soft lips as they touched mine sent tingles that started at my lips and continued down my spine and into each arm, leg, finger, and toe. My heart felt like it could literally burst from my chest from the joy and love that seemed to fill it. My God! Is this what love feels like? I wondered to myself and the sensation blew me away.  It overwhelmed me that I finally experienced those feelings with my best friend, the most amazing person I had ever known. . .who I had taken for granted for so many years. As the last thought crept into my mind, I again felt overcome by the hurt I knew I had caused her. I could deal with my pain, but when I thought of what I had done to her, or not done for her, I still sometimes couldn’t handle the guilt and hurt it caused me to feel. Tears once again spilled from my eyes and as I slowly pulled away I noticed the concerned look in hers.

"I'm so sorry." I started and she opened her mouth to say something but stopped, looking even more confused. "I'm so sorry I was such an idiot and didn't see what was right in front of me and even when I did, I was too stupid to act on it." I closed my eyes and bent my head down in shame.

Her hands firmly grabbed each side of my face and lifted it, and I was stunned when I opened my eyes and saw the determination in hers. "No." She whispered as she shook her head. "You just minutes ago tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel guilty about your scar. I'm not going to let you feel guilty over what you think were missed opportunities and misunderstandings. We talked about that last night; we have no idea if we had gotten together before now, if it would have worked out. But that doesn't matter; what matters is that we're together now and if we're going to have any shot at this working, we can't keep feeling guilty. I'll stop feeling guilty about you getting hurt from saving my life, if you stop feeling guilty about choices you made. Can we promise each other that?" She asked as her expression changed from determined to loving and her hand began to caress my cheek. She made it sound so easy; I wanted it to be that easy, to just let go of the guilt. That wasn’t how guilt worked though, and as much as I wanted to promise her that I wouldn’t ever feel guilty about the past, I couldn’t make that promise.  Instead, I leaned into her hand and closed my eyes as I placed my hand on hers and inhaled deeply, letting out a long sigh before opening my eyes. “I promise to try.” I slowly admitted.

She looked down as she thought about what I said, eventually looking back up with a sad smile. “Me too.” 

She rested her head back on my chest and as my arms wrapped around her, I realized that I wanted to verbalize what I was feeling; that I loved her.  It somewhat surprised me that I felt more nervous saying it then than I had just hours before.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that the previous night we had just skimmed the surface of what we had been through and what we felt, and now we had become more vulnerable from being completely honest and admitted what we had felt guilty and needed reassurances about. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter; I had learned my lesson about holding in my feelings for her.

"I love you." It came out as almost an exhale. She lifted her head and smiled as she closed her eyes. She deeply inhaled and as she sighed a look of content washed across her face before she slowly opened her eyes again and placed her hands on my chest.

"Say it again?" She softly requested as she looked lovingly into my eyes. 

 

I smiled as I brushed a hair out of her face and then followed it with my eyes as I tucked it behind her ear.  My gaze slowly moved back towards her face and I lowered my lips onto hers for a gentle, soft kiss. As it ended, I looked deep into her eyes and hoped that she could see the love that I felt for her.  "I love you." 

I felt relief wash over me as her smile grew wider and she happily sighed. "I love you too." It was incredible how hearing those words from her made my heart dance and how they seemed to have a healing power. I once again thought that if all those years of misery led to this moment, that if it meant that I could have not only Maggie, but could also be fortunate and blessed enough to be loved by the person whose love I had longed for all those years, it had been worth it.

My reflections ceased when Maggie started to make noise and I glanced at the clock, realizing that she had slept later than normal. "You go get Maggie and I'll start on breakfast." She offered and I quickly turned to look at her.

“You don’t have to do that.”

She smiled as she placed her hand around mine and shrugged her shoulders. “I know, but I want to.”

She gave my hand a squeeze before she walked towards the kitchen and I stood there, watching her walk away.  I continued to watch her as she pulled food from cabinets and the fridge, not realizing that I was observing her. When we were younger I never would have described Star as graceful, and she wouldn’t have either. She had been as tough as some of the toughest boys and gone into everything with full force and purpose. That girl had been replaced though, she still had purpose in her movements, but the forceful and tough girl had grown into a more gentle and graceful woman and I couldn’t stop myself from admiring her.

“Is there something wrong? I thought you were getting Maggie. . .” I looked from her hands that I had watched crack eggs, up to her eyes that questioned me.

“No. . .” I shook my head and walked into the kitchen. She grabbed the towel that lie on the counter and wiped her hands off as I approached her, the confusion she felt displayed on her face. She turned to look me as I stood next to her.

“Why haven’t you gone into the bedroom, then?”

The corners of my mouth turned up a little as I admitted my reason. “I got distracted.”

The redness appeared on her neck and quickly traveled up to her face as she realized what I had hinted at. “Oh. . .” She whispered; looking away as her face became even redder. She didn’t blush very often, since she, like me, had the ability to sometimes hide what she felt; and observing it only caused me to be more mesmerized. She cautiously looked back into my eyes, almost as if she hoped that I wasn’t still looking at her, and I smiled when her eyes met mine. Her expression changed when she saw my smile and we continued to hold the other’s gaze.  We’d looked at each other countless times, exchanged understanding looks, even had conversations without uttering a word, but we’d never, until that moment, looked at each other in such an intimate and loving way and the intensity of emotions I felt took my breath away.

Maggie’s babbling again carried through the monitor and we both embarrassingly chuckled at her interruption. I knew I couldn’t get distracted again, but I couldn’t resist giving Star one last kiss. I took a step towards her and bent my head down until my lips touched her incredibly soft ones, any idea of not being distracted completely forgotten until she pulled away and gently pushed me back.

“Maggie. . .” She breathlessly reminded me and I sheepishly looked down at the ground as I smiled and nodded. I glanced back up to see her smile and then she turned to whisk the eggs she had broken into the bowl, leaving me to collect myself and I walked into the bedroom.  

 

Maggie’s happy babbling greeted me as I opened the door and the smile she gave me melted my heart. I lifted her out of the crib and cooed and snuggled with her for a moment before walking back into the kitchen.  Star had just finished making breakfast and looked towards Maggie and me, smiling first at me and then Maggie.  Maggie started babbling at Star, and she and I both chuckled.

“I think she’s hungry.” Star translated as she carried our plates to the table.

I followed her into the dining area, lowered Maggie into her high chair, and we started to eat. I had taken a couple bites of french toast before I stopped and looked at the sight that was in front of me. My babbling daughter continued to make noises as she flung food in an attempt to feed herself. A piece flew in her hair from her excitability but before I could reach over to remove it, Star pulled the cereal out of Maggie’s hair.  She chuckled and offered Maggie a piece of french toast and watched as Maggie successfully placed the piece in her mouth. Star and I both clapped and congratulated her for her success and then our eyes met as we both turned our heads. The warmth and love that I saw in her smile made my heart skip a beat and as her attention returned to eating, I continued to ponder that moment.  

There had been a time, a long time, when if someone had told me that what occurred at that very moment would happen in the future, I would have vehemently denied it being a possibility. Deep inside I had wanted it, longed for it, dreamed of it, but never once did I think it would happen. Somehow though, against incredible odds and impossible circumstances, it had and I would be eternally grateful that the impossible had become a reality.