Chapter Eighteen: A Blessing Out of Desperation

We were two days away from going home to Appaloosa for Christmas break. We were all sitting in the living area watching TV, taking a moment to relax after completing our finals. It had been two months since I had been elected student body president. Two months since I had gotten drunk and ended up sleeping with Rosamund. There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by since then that I didn’t thank God that she had continued to take the birth control pills. Our relationship hadn’t gotten any better since then and it didn’t seem like it was going to anytime soon. I suppose I was mostly to blame for that since I was the one who was closing myself off to her. She kept trying to make up for what she had done but I just couldn’t get past the fact that she had lied to me about something that was so important to me.

I tried to push all of that out of my head and tried to enjoy sitting in the living area with Star and Peter.  We had decided to watch a movie and were trying to decide which movie to pick when Rosamund came into the living area. She sat down next to me and I could feel myself tense up. I had hoped she’d notice and leave but instead she inched closer and tried to cuddle with me. It had really started to baffle me how she could act that way towards me when she had to know I was anything but receptive toward her advances right now. It was as if she really didn’t care that I was upset with her. Maybe she figured that if she kept at it, I’d eventually forgive and forget what had happened;  but I wasn’t like that. Once someone did something that was untrustworthy, I had a hard time trusting them again. I had forgiven Rosamund once, but now I wondered if I had been too quick to forgive her.

I sighed thinking about the situation I was in with her and I felt her pull back a little. I didn’t dare look at her because that would invite her to talk to me but I could tell she was looking at me. I happened to glance over at Star and I was immediately sorry I did. I heard Rosamund huff and I knew that things were about to get worse. I figured she was about to create a scene or stare me down but instead she calmly stood up and smiled at me. I didn’t like the smile she was giving me either. It was one of her calculated smiles and I immediately had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Everyone, I have an announcement.” She calmly stated.

Star and Peter looked over at me and I shrugged my shoulders. Their guess as to what she was going to say was probably better than mine. I turned my attention back to Rosamund and she once again smiled sweetly at me. Whatever she was about to say was going to be bad. She never looked that sweet unless she was up to something bad.

“I had thought about telling Jefferson this in private but I’m so excited I wanted to share it with everyone at the same time.” I put my hand up to my mouth and covered it in an attempt to hide the worry that I was sure was creeping onto my face. “I hadn’t been feeling well the last several weeks and I went to the doctor today. I was so happy to find out that I wasn’t sick, but instead, I found out that I’m pregnant!” She said with a triumphant smile. I could see Star and Peter looking back and forth between me and Rosamund with a look of complete shock while I sat there unable to hide my utter disbelief. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion and yet my brain was thinking of questions at record speed. How could she be pregnant, she said she was on birth control? Was she really on birth control? How far a long is she? How could we possibly have a child now, our marriage was a mess? Why did she not tell me in private? She had to have known I’d have wanted that. I looked at her again and I instantly knew the answer to the last question. Before I could say anything though, Star and Peter were confusingly giving us congratulations. I stood up and both Peter and Rosamund hugged both of us and then they excused themselves and went upstairs.

I walked into our bedroom and waited for Rosamund to follow and close the door. The moment I heard the door close I turned around and confronted her. “Did you really just tell me that we’re having a child in front of them? You didn’t even have the consideration to tell me in private so I could have some kind of normal reaction when you announced it to them!”

She looked down at the ground and started fidgeting. “I was just really excited…”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Rosamund.” I interrupted her. “We both know why you did that.”

She tried to look shocked but I could tell she was faking it. “You can quit with the act, Rosamund.”

She crossed her arms across her chest and huffed. “Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

I chuckled. “So you didn’t just tell me that you were pregnant out there in hopes that if you did it while Peter and Star were around, that I wouldn’t show how incredibly upset I am that you’re pregnant? Because that sounds like something you’d do. It’s like you always think that in order to keep someone from being mad at you, you have to create situations which in reality, cause people to be more mad at you. You make the situation one hundred times worse. Instead of just being floored and maybe mad that you’re pregnant; now I’m pissed off that you didn’t tell me in private! Something that after three years of being married you had to know would make me mad. Why can’t you for once just tell me, don’t make a big production out of it or try to deceive me.”

She stood there and kept staring at me with no emotion on her face. “I just have one question. . .” I said as I looked her right in the eyes so I could see how she reacted when she answered my question. “Were you really taking birth control the night we slept together two months ago?”

 

She chuckled which shocked me. “That’s the question you want answered?! Not ‘How far along are you?’ or ‘When are you due?’ What about ‘How is the baby?’ or ‘How are you?’ considering what happened during the last pregnancy!” 

“You heard my question; and I’m still waiting for an answer.” I stared back at her. We stood there for several minutes, looking at each other.

“You wouldn’t believe me so what does it matter?” She flatly said.

I thought for a moment and she was right, I wouldn’t believe her even if she said she had been on birth control and it was the truth. “You’re right. But give it a try. Maybe I’ll believe you.”

She looked me straight in the eye “I was on birth control when I got pregnant.” God, she could be a good liar.

 “Nope, don’t believe you.” I went over to the other side of the bed and got a book out from the nightstand. I placed it down on the night stand. “So when are you due?” I asked without looking at her.

“Early July.”

“How is the baby?”

“Fine, the doctor says everything looks fine.”

“That’s good.” I said as I laid down on the bed and pretended to start reading the book I had gotten out.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I’m doing?!” She angrily asked.

“Well, I figured that if the baby was good, then you would be too. I mean you’re the one that wanted this, not me so I figure you must be peachy. Right?” I looked up at her and she looked like she was about to explode, instead, she stomped out of the room and slammed the bedroom door behind her.  I shook my head and rubbed my neck. What the hell were we going to do now? It was one thing to be in this marriage with just her and me. Now we were going to add a baby to the mix. I really didn’t have any proof that she hadn’t been on birth control but knowing how she could be, I definitely believed that it was more likely than not. As I layed on the bed and thought  about all that she had just thrown at me, the door opened and she walked back into the room. The last thing I wanted was to be in the same room with her right now. She started to say something and before she could start I squeezed past her and started walking out of the bedroom. 

“Where are you going?!”

“Somewhere that you’re not.” I replied dryly.

“Shouldn’t we talk about this?!” She insisted.

“Why, you didn’t talk to me about using or not using birth control. . .” She got a crazed look in her eyes and for some reason I enjoyed the fact that I was pushing her buttons. I turned around, grabbed my coat and decided to head out. I got in the car and headed to the local bar, not that I could get something to drink, I just wanted to go somewhere, anywhere but the house. 

I pulled into the parking lot and looked up at the sky. How the hell had my life gotten this messed up?! It was like I had been marked by someone. I stood there for several more minutes looking up at the stars for some unknown reason. I didn’t believe in wishing on a star so that wouldn’t do me much good. I started to feel cold and decided to head on in to the bar.

I walked in and sat down at one of the tables in the back so I could be away from others. A server came over and I ordered a soda. As she walked away I started looking at other people who were there. It was still early so there weren’t many people there. The server returned with my soda and I played with the straw while I looked down at the table. I was so zoned into my own thoughts, I didn’t hear the door open or notice anyone walking up to the table.

“Can I join you?” I half smiled when I heard her.

“Do I have a choice?” I looked up and smiled and she smiled back. I watched as she sat down across from me. “How did you find me?”

“Are you kidding? I’ve had this ability since we were kids!” She was right, whenever I would go off to be by myself, she had always been the one to find me.

“I take it you heard us arguing. . .”

“It was kind of hard not to. I watched you leave and I told Peter I was going to follow you.” She almost looked proud of herself. “So you really didn’t know beforehand that she was pregnant?”

“Nope. Shocked me probably just as much as it did the two of you."

“Why does she do stuff like that?” Star wondered out loud.

“I don’t know. I’m sure in her head it all makes perfect sense.”

“So. . .never mind about Rosamund, what are you thinking about the baby?”

I had honestly been so mad and disgusted at what Rosamund had done that I hadn’t thought much about the baby. I immediately started feeling guilty. Here I was feeling sorry for myself when there was a baby to think about.

“I. . .haven’t really had a chance to think about it.”

“Never mind about Rosamund, take her out of the equation; which I know is hard to do. Would you be happy if the circumstances were different?” 

I immediately knew the answer. “Yes. After the miscarriage I realized how much I wanted to have children. But this is just a horrible set of circumstances to bring a child into.”

“And it was better before?” I gave her an annoyed look. “Jeff, nothing about yours and Rosamund’s relationship has been normal, smooth sailing, or without drama. For someone who hates drama, you sure did marry someone who is full of it.” The server came over to get Star’s order and we sat in silence until the server returned with her drink.

“So, what are you going to do?”

“What do you mean?”

“About Rosamund, you do have a choice, you know?” 

She may have seen it that way but I didn’t. I felt even more stuck with Rosamund now than ever; which made me very resentful toward her. I looked over at Star and her shoulders immediately slumped forward. “Jeff. . .”

“What, you think I should divorce her? Before her having the baby, or after? Do you really think that if I divorced her that she would let me have any contact with the child? You know as well as I do that she would fight me tooth and nail for her to have full custody.  Then what would happen to them? You really think that would be better than me staying with her, for the sake of the baby?”

I watched as I saw Star’s facial expression change from one of pleading to defeat. She knew what I was saying was right but she didn’t want to give up. “But surely you could get at least half custody?”

I chuckled. “Really? Whose Rosamund’s dad, Star?”

 She closed her eyes and sighed. “I had forgotten about him. He would flatten you in court.”

“Yup. I’d have no chance. I’d have to have something huge on her and right now, all I’ve got is theories.” 

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to finish this soda, go home, and try to live with the fact that I’ve dug myself so far into a hole that’s impossible to climb out of it. Like Bridge told me one time, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Maybe at some point things will get better with Rosamund.” Star’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “Maybe something will happen down the road and I’ll find a ladder to climb out of this hole I’ve dug myself into. Who knows; but for right now, I’m going to go home and face things like a man.” I downed my soda and stood up. She finished hers.

“I’ll walk out with you.”

“No, you better stay for a bit. Wouldn’t look good if you and I walked into the house together. . .” She got a disgusted look on her face but sat back down. “Thanks for finding me and talking to me.” I put my hand on her shoulder before I walked out and she put her hand on top of mine. She smiled up at me  and I turned to walk out of the bar.

As I drove home, I thought more and more about the baby. Were we really going to have a baby this time? My heart had been completely crushed when Rosamund had had a miscarriage last time and I didn’t know if I could handle anything like that again. One thing was for sure; I didn’t want her to have any added stress. I didn’t want to be the cause for anything happening with the baby and that meant I was going to have to at least attempt to be nice to Rosamund. Once again, I was all too aware that I was stuck in a situation, and that although part of it was my doing, part of it was because of her scheming and lying. I could feel my anger returning. I needed to stop thinking about the past and center my energy on the future; the baby. 

 I pulled into the driveway and turned the ignition off.  I sat there for what felt like hours thinking about how any time it seemed like there was a glimmer of hope in my life, something was always waiting to smack me back down. I wondered if I was ever going to find the happiness I had been searching for since the miscarriage. Had I pissed off some higher power and this life was my punishment? I just didn’t get it. Whatever the case, this seemed to be my life and the only glimmer of hope I had now was the baby Rosamund was carrying. I may have a messed up my life, but I was going to be damned that our baby was going to be punished for the mistakes I made. But right now, I needed to make sure that Rosamund’s pregnancy went well and that we had a healthy baby born.

I finally found the will to get out of the car and walk up to the house. As I was about to open the front door, it was flung open and I was staring right at Rosamund.

“Where have you been? I’ve been so worried!” I seriously doubted she had been worried about my wellbeing but I didn’t have it in me at that point to argue with her. She let me into the foyer.

“Well, as you can see, I’m fine.”

“Where were you?!”

“I went to the local bar and drank a soda.”

“Why did you leave?”

“Rosamund, you surprised me by announcing that we are having a baby in front of our friends, you’ve lied about almost every aspect of having a child. I needed some time to think.”

“What did you think about?”

“Do we really have to talk about this here?” I knew Star couldn’t be far behind and the last thing I wanted was for her to hear more of this. Rosamund turned around and walked into the bedroom and I followed her. I quietly closed the door and looked down at the ground before I continued.

“I was thinking about us, about the baby, about my future, about what most people probably think about when they find out they’re going to be a parent.” I didn’t tell her that unlike most people I wasn’t happy with any part of us being together or my future except for the baby.

“You almost sound like you’d think about leaving.”

I stood there for a minute trying to decide if I should tell her that I had. For a moment in time I had contemplated leaving her, but talking with Star had made me realize how stuck I was. I decided to tell her the truth. “Even if I did, there’s one thing that I told you when you were pregnant before that is still true; I want to be a part of this child’s life, and I will do whatever it takes to do that.”

“So you’re basically telling me you’re staying with me because of the baby?”

“That’s one way of looking at it.” I admitted. “Look Rosamund, the fact is that I didn’t want to bring a child into this situation.” She started to disagree but I stopped her. “You can say what you will but no amount of arguing is going to change the fact that we’re bringing a baby into one hell of a mess. You and I aren’t a happily married couple, this wasn’t something we planned together, it’s just not good. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try to do what is best for the baby and right now, I think that’s going through this together.”

She stood there looking at me and it was obvious that she was thinking about what I had just said. She bit her bottom lip and narrowed her eyes. After several minutes of thinking over what I had said she finally broke the silence. “I agree. I think we should go through this together, and who knows, maybe this baby is what we need to bring us closer together.” It amazed me that she was so naive enough to think that bringing a baby into an already stressful, unfriendly, unloving relationship was going to bring us closer. It was like the vastness of her irrational thinking just kept going, and going. . . She was looking at me, pleading with her eyes for me to agree.

 

“I suppose stranger things have happened. . .” I admitted but what I really meant was there was a snowball’s chance in hell that that was going to happen. Not now. Not after all that had happened. In typical Rosamund fashion, she took it as a shred of hope and ran with it.

“Oh I’m so glad you’re willing to try Jefferson!” She ran over to me and started hugging me. I stood there frozen not able to hug her back. She pulled away and immediately started talking about the baby like there was nothing wrong.

“So the doctor thinks the due date is around the 8^th of July, just four days after yours! I haven’t had any sickness but I have been nauseous, and tired; very tired.  My next appointment is next month and of course, you can come with if you’d like. They said they’d do another ultrasound so you can see the baby. I do have ultrasound pictures from this visit. It’s amazing how tiny he or she is!” Rosamund kept going on about her doctor’s visit and preparing for the baby when I couldn’t help but think of something that never occurred to me before.

“Rosamund, do you have any ultrasound pictures from before?”

She looked confused. “No, I told you this is the first time I’ve been to the doctor.”

 

“No, not this time. . .I meant for the last pregnancy.” She quickly turned away from me and placed the ultrasound pictures on my night stand. 

“No.” she quickly responded.

“Didn’t you go to a doctor last time? You were what, around three months pregnant last time?” She continued to not look at me.

“I was, I only went once to the doctor and I didn’t keep the ultrasound pictures.”

“Why?”

“Because I couldn’t stand to look at them.”

“You didn’t think that at some point, I might like to see them?”

She turned around and glared at me. “What does it matter now?! I don’t have any from before! Why would you want to look at them anyway?! Isn’t that kind of morbid?!” She hurriedly went into the bathroom and slammed the door. To say I was confused by her response would have been an understatement. I could understand why she wouldn’t want to look at the other ultrasound pictures, but why had she gotten rid of them? 
 
I shook my head and walked over to the nightstand and looked at the ultrasound pictures she had put down. As I looked at it I couldn’t believe how small the baby was. It was maybe the size of a bean. I was shocked when I felt a tear fall down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away. I couldn’t help but think how this tiny baby, even brought about from deception and lies, was a blessing. A blessing in disguise; a blessing that was coming from an act of desperation. 

I walked over to the dresser to get ready for bed. I knew Rosamund would come out of the bathroom eventually and come to bed. I got into bed and turned off my light and was soon dreaming of holding our baby. 

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